On Desire

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Jury Duty

I was summoned for jury duty. I blew it off once, but of course, they summoned me again. They obviously weren't going to give up until I wasted a day in the courthouse. So I presented myself with my jury summons at the Forsyth County courthouse in Winston-Salem. It wasn't so difficult really. The courthouse is across the street from my office downtown. I parked in my usual space.

Once we were checked in and accounted for in the jury room (see photo), they played a video designed to bring those up to date who hadn't watched television for the past 30 years, and needed to have the basics of the courtroom drama explained. Then, the jury coordinator announced that one of the judges would be coming to talk to us. She made it clear that this was something special, that we should appreciate that the judge would take time from his busy calendar to come and speak to us live and in person, presumably about our jury duty.

The judge explained that we might spend the entire day waiting in the jury room, and never even be called to courtroom, and that we might, in this event, feel that our time was wasted. But to the contrary he explained, our presence, even if we did not sit on a jury, was essential, for it was the THREAT of a jury trial, represented by our presence and readiness to be called to the courtroom to impanel a jury, that would motivate the settlement of the many cases that came to the courthouse that day.

As he spoke, the logic of this argument seemed sound enough. But I found myself pondering the proposition after he thanked us and returned, ostensibly to his courtroom. Then it hit me. MONKEYS! If the threat of trial by a jury of ones peers motivates settlement of many cases, imagine the motivating power of a jury of MONKEYS! Faced with the prospect of reaching a mutually agreeable settlement or facing trial by monkey, who would choose the monkeys? Nobody. The risk would be too great. But because the risk was equal for both sides, both would be motivated.

It's not easy to amend the constitution, but this is a ONE WORD AMENDMENT. We can do it!!! All we have to do is change PEERS to MONKEYS, and the backlog that is log-jamming our courts will be stripped away like the peel from a banana!

Jury Duty

On Promptness

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

- Mark Twain

Reporters Notebook (Gettysburg Times: 032908): "Gas"

I was in line Wednesday morning at Salim’s Mini-Mart in Arendtsville behind a teenage lad who was trying to purchase a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk with a shoebox full of spare change.
All I wanted was a cup of coffee and a twinkie.
Out of nowhere, a scraggly-haired woman bolted through the store’s doors, butted in line, and hurled two dollars and a couple of pennies at the cashier. Then she left.
“Please don’t ever do this again,” the cashier told the teenager as he counted the box of spare change.
As the teenager departed the store, the cashier looked down at the counter and spotted to the two dollars and three cents.
“What’s this?” he asked.
The woman actually purchased $2.03 cents worth of gasoline.“
That won’t even get her to Biglerville,” the cashier quipped.
I doubt it got her out of the parking lot.
My coffee and twinkie cost more than her gas bill.
~ Scot Andrew Pitzer

On Forgiveness

Counsel: What is your name?

Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.

Counsel: Is that your own name?

Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?

Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.

Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?

Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.

Chrysler: Which court?

Counsel: This court.

Chrysler: What is the name of this court?

Counsel: This is No 5 Court.

Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?

Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!

Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.

Counsel: No, not really, you see because…

Judge: Mr Lovelace?

Counsel: Yes, m’lud?

Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.

Counsel: Thank you, m’lud.

Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m’lud. It’s nice to be appreciated.

Judge: Shut up, witness.

Chrysler: Willingly, m’lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would…

Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler - for let us assume that that is your name - you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.

Chrysler: I am.

Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?

Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.

Counsel: Is that true?

Chrysler: No.

Counsel: Then why did you say it?

Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.

Counsel: Off balance?

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Chrysler: Was that a question?

Counsel: No.

Chrysler: Then I can’t answer it.

Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.

Counsel: Yes, m’lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

Chrysler: Is that a question?

Counsel: Yes.

Chrysler: It doesn’t sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn’t believe in itself. You know - “Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers… Perhaps I won’t… Perhaps I’ll sing a little song instead…”

Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, “Where were you on Tuesday?”, they are more likely to say, “Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?”. It isn’t, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?

Chrysler: Yes, m’lud.

Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?

Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler, am I right in saying that hotel clothes hangers do not have hooks on top but little studs that will only work on special racks?

Chrysler: That is correct.

Counsel: This design arose because so many hotel hangers were stolen.

Chrysler: That is correct.

Counsel: And they had no option but to change the design to stop them being stolen?

Chrysler: That is not correct.

Counsel: That is not correct?

Chrysler: No. The world of hotels had not one, but two options. They could change the design of the way they were hung, yes, but they could also cheapen the hangers. They could very easily have given guests inexpensive plastic or metal hangers they would never have missed when they were stolen. But that would have lowered the tone of the hotel. Hotels, even hotels in a chain, like to have a touch of class. They like giving guests high-class solid wood hangers. It makes them feel good about themselves. It also makes them worth stealing.

Counsel: And people come to you, do they, asking you to make special wardrobes so that they can use stolen clothes hangers?

Chrysler: It isn’t so much the fact that they are stolen that makes them attractive. You have to remember that many top businessmen spend more of their time in hotels than in their own home. They become used to hotel life. They think of hotels as home. Therefore they become used to hotel hangers and think of them as normal, and on the rare occasions when they spend some time at home they can’t stand these fiddly things with hooks which you and I may think of as normal but which the business traveller thinks of as loose-fitting and badly designed. So they come to me and get me to make a hotel-style wardrobe.

Counsel: Are you seriously suggesting that there are people who prefer hotel life to home life?

Chrysler: Certainly. A lot of businessmen would never go home if they had the chance. So when they get home they like to recreate the hotel experience in their own house. Many of my clients have their own mini-bars in their bedrooms. They have TV sets at the end of the bed on a raised shelf, often with an adult sex channel on it. All their bathroom products come in wrappers and are thrown away each day. I have even known people in their own home put out “Do Not Disturb” notices on the door of their own bedroom.

Counsel: Stolen, presumably, from some hapless hotel.

Chrysler: Never call a hotel hapless. They know what they are doing. No hotel loses money willingly. They may have things taken from them, but the stuff that guests leave behind is just as valuable.

Counsel: Are you serious when you say that clients of yours drink from their own minibars in their own bedrooms in their own homes?

Chrysler: Certainly. And just as in a hotel, they grumble about the price and size of the bottles, and the absence of ice.

Counsel: So why don’t they get a proper fridge in their bedroom?

Chrysler : Because then it wouldn’t be like a hotel.

Judge: Tell me, Mr Chrysler, do these businessmen of yours also have Gideon Bibles by their bedside at home?

Chrysler: Many of them, sir.

Judge: And where do you get the Gideon Bibles from?

Chrysler: Alas, they, too, have to be taken from hotels.

Judge: Then why are you not also up on a charge of Bible-stealing?

Chrysler: Because the Bibles do not belong to the hotels. They belong to the Gideon Society. And the Gideon Society has decided not to prosecute me, but to forgive me and tell me to go and sin no more.

Judge: And have you sinned no more?

Chrysler: Alas, no.


-Miles Kington

Nittany Lion Wrestler Phil Davis Claims National Title; Penn State Third Place Finish at NCAA Championships

Phil Davis is the kid from Harrisburg. He was pretty amazing to watch this year.

we are.... PENN STATE!!!

On Science

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

- Mark Twain

On Opening Day Hope

On Vacuums

Living in a vacuum sucks.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff

On Getting By

ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO:		No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.

On Friendship

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

- Mark Twain

On Life

Living your life is so daunting, it has never been attempted before.

On Statistics

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel

On Original Sin

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.

- Mark Twain

On Discrimination

On Physical Limitations

You can vomit long after you think you're finished.

On Shiftiness

Try this to measure your shiftiness quotient.

Reporters Notebook (Gettysburg Times: 031508) - "Underwear"

Before church several Sundays ago, one of my young relatives — 3-year-old Levi Roberts — plowed over four people in our pew, and told me he had an important question to ask.
OK, I thought, this should be good.
“Are you wearing underwear?” Levi asked.
I wasn’t sure how to react.
“He’s been potty trained since October,” his mother, seated two people to my right, told me. “He’s just afraid of wearing underwear.”
Gotcha.
Yes Levi, I am wearing underwear.
~ Scot Andrew Pitzer

On Politics

The Democrats have BO.

Not that I know of!

On Delegating

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

The Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?

The Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and asked why?

"Well, Sir", began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

On Boundaries

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked the 3-yr old to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he delivered the baby. Very diligently, she did as she was asked.

After a little while, the baby was born. The paramedic spanked him on his bottom.

The baby cried.

The paramedic then thanked the 3-yr old for her help and asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . . Smack his ass again!'

On Politics

Is Michelle Obama proud of her country today?