Should I start a family?

Moving, as I do, in what would kindly be called artistic circles, children are an infrequent occurence. But even the most artistic of circles includes within its periphery a limited edition of the tenaciously domestic.

As I am generally quite fond of children I accept this condition with far less displeasure than do my more rarified acquaintances. That is not to imply that I am a total fool for a little grin but simply that I consider myself to be in a position of unquestionable objectivity and therefore eminently qualified to deal with the subject in an authoritative manner.

From the number of children in evidence it appears that people have them at the drop of a hat - for surely were they to give this matter its due attention they would act with greater decorum. Of course, until now prospective parents have not had the opportunity to see the facts spelled out in black and white and therefore cannot reasonably be held accountable for their actions. To this end I have careully set down all pertinent information in the fervent hope that it will result in a future populated by a more attractive array of children than I have thus far encountered.

Pro

1. I must take issue with the term ‘a mere child’, for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
   
2. Children are usually small in stature, which makes them quite useful for getting at those hard-to-reach places.
   
3. Children do not sit next to you in restaurants and discuss their preposterous hopes for the future in loud tones of voice.
   
4. Children ask better questions than do adults. ‘May I have a cookie?’ ‘Why is the sky blue?’ and ‘What does a cow say?’ are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than ‘Where’s your manuscript?’ and ‘Who’s your lawyer?’
   
5. Children give life to the concept of immaturity.
   
6. Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
   
7. It is still quite possible to stand in a throng of children without once detecting even the faintest whiff of an exciting, rugged after-shave or cologne.
   
8. Not a single member of the under-age set has yet to propose the word chairchild.
   
9. Children sleep either alone or with small toy animals. The wisdom of such behaviour is unquestionable, as it frees them from the immeasurable tedium of being privy to the whispered confessions of others. I have yet to run across a teddy bear who was harbouring the secret desire to wear a maid’s uniform.
   

Con

1. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.
   
2. Children have decidedly little fashion sense and if left to their own devices will more often than not be drawn to garments of unfortunate cut. In this respect they do not differ greatly from the majority of their elders, but somehow one blames them more.
   
3. Children respond inadequately to sardonic humor and veiled threats.
   
4. Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement-mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.
   
5. Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truely interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.
   
6. Children arise at an unseemly hour and are oftimes in the habit of putting food on an empty stomach.
   
7. Children do not look well in evening clothes.
   
8. All too often children are accompanied by adults.
   

- Fran Lebowitz