How shall I recognize an honest, hard working Frenchman?

A Frenchman used to accost English and other Strangers on the Pont-Neuf, with many Compliments, and a red hot Iron in his Hand; Pray Monsieur Anglois, says he, Do me the Favour to let me have the Honour of thrusting this hot Iron into your Backside? Zoons, what does the Fellow mean! Begone with your Iron, or I'll break your Head! Nay, Monsieur, replies he, if you do not choose it, I will not insist upon it. But at least, you will in Justice have the Goodness to pay me something for the heating of my Iron.

- Benjamin Franklin, 1766

Is Operation Iraqi Freedom really ahead of schedule?

When you’re dealing with the Middle East, 2,000 years is the normal wait for things to happen.

- Marlin Fitzwater

Where can I find solace in these troubled times?

In the Church of Aphrodite
The Priestess wears a see through Nightie
She's a mighty righteous sightie
It’s good enough for me

Gimme that Old Time Religion
Gimme that Old Time Religion
Gimme that Old Time Religion
It’s good enough for me

We will worship like the Druids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
Dancing naked through the woods
It’s good enough for me

Gimme that Old Time Religion
Gimme that Old Time Religion
Gimme that Old Time Religion
It’s good enough for me

We will worship Zarathustra
We will worship like we used to
Be a Zarathustra booster
It’s good enough for me

Are the French really that bad?

The Assocated Press reports that French protesters have ransacked a McDonalds restaurant in Paris. There's McEgg on my face.

How difficult will it be to defeat the Iraqi Army?

The initial tally of surrendering and defecting soldiers indicates that the Iraqi Army is more formidable than the French.

Should I be critical of the French position on the Iraq crisis?

Do not be critical. If you hurt their feelings, they might surrender. To us.

Should I introduce myself to the new neighbor?

The farmer had to go to town so he hitched up the wagon and called for the dog to go along. The farmer cracked the whip on the horses back and yelled ‘Giddyup!’. The horse looked back over his shoulder and exclaimed ‘Hey, don't crack that whip so hard!’ The farrmer, astonished, says to himself ‘I didn’t know that horse could talk!’ The dog says ‘Me neither!’

Should I accept a challenge at dueling?

I have two objections to this duel matter.

The one is, lest I should hurt you; and the other is, lest you should hurt me.

I do not see any good it would do me to put a bullet through any part of your body. I could make no use of you when dead for any culinary purpose as I would a rabbit or turkey. I am no cannibal to feed on the flesh of men. Why, then, shoot down a human creature of which I could make no use? A buffalo would be better meat. For though your flesh may be delicate and tender, yet it wants that firmness and consistency which takes and retains salt. At any rate, it would not be fit for long sea voyages. You might make a good barbecue, it is true, being of the nature of a racoon or an opossum, but people are not in the habit of barbecuing anything human now. As to your hide, it is not worth taking off, being little better than that of a year-old colt.

It would seem to me a strange thing to shoot at a man that would stand still to be shot at, inasmuch as I have heretofore been used to shoot at things flying or running or jumping. Were you on a tree now like a squirrel, endeavoring to hide yourself in the branches, or like a racoon that after much eyeing and spying, I observe at length in the crotch of a tall oak with boughs and leaves intervening, so that I could just get a sight of his hinderparts, I should think it pleasurable enough to take a shot at you. But, as it is, there is no skill or judgment requisite to discover or take you down.

As to myself, I do not much like to stand in the way of anything harmful. I am under apprehension that you might hit me. That being the case, I think it most advisable to stay at a distance. If you want to try your pistols, take some object, a tree or a barn door, about my dimensions. If you hit that, send me word and I shall acknowledge that if I had been in the same place, you might also have hit me.

- Hugh Henry Brackenridge (1748-1816), Modern Chivalry, or the Adventures of Captain John Farrago and Teague O'Ryan his Servant

What shall I do with my money?

Buy low, sell high.

When you draw an 8 and a 3, double down.

When a jockey is riding for his 3rd win on the same card, he wins at twice his normal percentage.


There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan
Ran off with a Man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket

Where can I find a good woman?

They are everywhere.

Should I start a family?

Moving, as I do, in what would kindly be called artistic circles, children are an infrequent occurence. But even the most artistic of circles includes within its periphery a limited edition of the tenaciously domestic.

As I am generally quite fond of children I accept this condition with far less displeasure than do my more rarified acquaintances. That is not to imply that I am a total fool for a little grin but simply that I consider myself to be in a position of unquestionable objectivity and therefore eminently qualified to deal with the subject in an authoritative manner.

From the number of children in evidence it appears that people have them at the drop of a hat - for surely were they to give this matter its due attention they would act with greater decorum. Of course, until now prospective parents have not had the opportunity to see the facts spelled out in black and white and therefore cannot reasonably be held accountable for their actions. To this end I have careully set down all pertinent information in the fervent hope that it will result in a future populated by a more attractive array of children than I have thus far encountered.

Pro

1. I must take issue with the term ‘a mere child’, for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
   
2. Children are usually small in stature, which makes them quite useful for getting at those hard-to-reach places.
   
3. Children do not sit next to you in restaurants and discuss their preposterous hopes for the future in loud tones of voice.
   
4. Children ask better questions than do adults. ‘May I have a cookie?’ ‘Why is the sky blue?’ and ‘What does a cow say?’ are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than ‘Where’s your manuscript?’ and ‘Who’s your lawyer?’
   
5. Children give life to the concept of immaturity.
   
6. Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
   
7. It is still quite possible to stand in a throng of children without once detecting even the faintest whiff of an exciting, rugged after-shave or cologne.
   
8. Not a single member of the under-age set has yet to propose the word chairchild.
   
9. Children sleep either alone or with small toy animals. The wisdom of such behaviour is unquestionable, as it frees them from the immeasurable tedium of being privy to the whispered confessions of others. I have yet to run across a teddy bear who was harbouring the secret desire to wear a maid’s uniform.
   

Con

1. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.
   
2. Children have decidedly little fashion sense and if left to their own devices will more often than not be drawn to garments of unfortunate cut. In this respect they do not differ greatly from the majority of their elders, but somehow one blames them more.
   
3. Children respond inadequately to sardonic humor and veiled threats.
   
4. Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement-mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.
   
5. Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truely interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.
   
6. Children arise at an unseemly hour and are oftimes in the habit of putting food on an empty stomach.
   
7. Children do not look well in evening clothes.
   
8. All too often children are accompanied by adults.
   

- Fran Lebowitz

What offense should be taken with ill manners?

This Earl of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to travel, 7 years. On his return the Queen welcomed him home, and said, My Lord, I had forgot the Fart.

- John Aubrey

What notion of Intrigue and Suspicion should I subscribe to?

U.S. President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair are engaged in a foreign policy designed to topple the current Iraqi regime (Saddam Hussein) by force (if necessary). "Hussein is bad, he must be stopped!"

There exists, within the international community, a measure of dissatisfaction with this policy. "War is bad, it must be stopped!"

The impasse appears irresolvable. Both arguments are valid and undeniable. Much interest attends the proceedings of this debate and great anticipation is afforded the outcome. "Who said what?" "What country is he from?"

The debate and its’ attendant arguments are a distraction. Bush and Blair are receiving strong criticism abroad and increasing dissatisfaction at home for their pursuit of this policy, at significant risk to their own political careers. "Hey, Hey, WhaddyaSay, make peace, not war!"

Why do they persist? The notion has been advanced that leaders must lead and not necessarily follow public opinion. Regardless of character, these men are politicians. Politicians have ambition. Ambitious men take risks. Risk has a downside and an upside. The downside is political disfavor. What can the upside be to seduce Blair and Bush to this risk?

There is good reason to be confident of military success in a U.S./British military operation in Iraq. Suppose the U.S. and British invasion of Iraq takes about as long to complete as a march across Iraq, pausing only long enough to accept the surrender of the Iraqi army. "Don't shoot!" "We give up!" "Give us food!" Questioning the surrendering army yields information with regard to the specific whereabouts of Saddam Hussein. "He's in there!" "I had nothing to do with it." The U.S. immediately surrounds Husseins’ hideout and places it under siege. "Ally Ally income free." Husseins’ personal bodyguards and entourage surrender in exchange for his exile instead of execution, trial, or imprisonment. "Don't shoot!" "We give up!" "Give us food!" Iraqi citizens celebrate liberty in the streets. "YihYihYihYih!" The British uncover the first cache of chemical and/or biological weapons. "Bloody bugger!"

Bush and Blair are anxious to invade Iraq because a bloodless war renders all opposition in political arenas as mere ornamentation. This chain of events endows them with such vast political capital that they would, for all intents and purposes, RULE THE EARTH! "A bloodless war, you see, how can that be bad?" "Why would you ever listen to anyone but me?"

France, Germany, Russia et. al are desperate to prevent invasion. It’s not that they don’t want war. They’ ve never been against war, anywhere, anytime. They’ ve fought many wars. They’ d love to be fighting this one, if they’ d just thought of it first. No. It’ s not that they don’ t want war, it’ s that they don’ t want Bush and Blair to RULE THE EARTH!. "Why do we have to listen to them?" "I don’t want to listen to them." "Vive la France!"

Will I ever amount to anything?

I had once been a grocery clerk, for one day, but had consumed so much sugar in that time that I was relieved from further duty by the proprietor; said he wanted me outside, so that he could have my custom. I had studied law an entire week, and then given it up because it was so prosy and tiresome. I had engaged briefly in the study of blacksmithing, but wasted so much time trying to fix the bellows so that it would blow itself, that the master turned me adrift in disgrace, and told me that I would come to no good. I had been a bookseller's clerk for a while, but the customers bothered me so much I could not read with any comfort, and so the proprietor gave me a furlough and forgot to put a limit on it. I had clerked in a drug store part of a summer, but my prescriptions were unlucky, and we appeared to sell more stomach pumps than soda water. So I had to go. I had made myself a tolerable printer, under the impression that I would be another Franklin some day.

- Mark Twain Roughing It (1872)

One was praising a wench's chastity, whom a stander-by knew to be a whore, wherefore he said to him, "Is she chaste? Pray, had she never a child?" The first answered him, "Indeed she had a child, but it was a very little one".
- Gratiae Ludentes (1638)

What of the Ladies?

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stored with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
   
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
   
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much Inconvenience.
   
4. Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
   
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure or corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement.
   
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making of an old Woman happy.
   
8. 8th and Lastly. They are so grateful!
   

- Benjamin Franklin

Should I go to a party with Bill Clinton?

The typical politician is not only a rascal but also a jackass, so he greatly values the puerile notoriety and adulation that sensible men try to avoid.

- H.L. Mencken