Friday, August 31, 2007

On Preemption

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief informs them that they will be cooked and eaten by the tribe, but each will be granted one last request.

The Englishman says, "I would like pen and paper so that I may write a letter of protest to Her Majesty's Government." The request is granted.

The Frenchman says, "I would like to make love to the most beautiful woman of your tribe." The request is granted.

The American says, "I would like you to gather all the men in the center of the village, and then I would like you to kick me in the seat of my pants in front of the entire group."

The chief grants the request, gathers all the men, leads the American to the center of the village and then kicks the American in the seat of his pants. Whereupon the American pulls out a submachine gun that he had hidden, and kills all the men of the cannibal tribe.

The Englishman and the Frenchman stop their activities and run to congratulate the American. "You have saved us! That's wonderful! But tell us, why didn't you use the submachine gun immediately?"

The American replied, "Until I was kicked in the seat of my pants, I did not feel I would be justified."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

An interesting anonymous political blog

A future cynic's early work, I predict.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Gettysburg Times: Reporters Notebook (09/01/07)

If you missed this year’s Miss Teen USA pageant, you missed quite a show — particularly an answer given by one of the runners-up, Miss South Carolina.
The young lady, teenager Lauren Caitlin Upton, ran into a tough question during the finals of the competition.
A judge asked: “Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
Miss South Carolina’s response was classic.
“I personally believe, that U.S. Americans, are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there, in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as . . . . and, I believe that they should, our education over here, in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children."
A ringing endorsement for the South Carolina educational system.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

On "Free Advice"

I think it would be a good idea. - Mahatma Gandhi

Friday, August 24, 2007

"Pitzer named Voice of the Canners"


Biglerville Canner alum Scot Pitzer has been named the 'Voice of the Canners' for the 2007 High School Football season.
He will be voice of Canner football for all Musselman Stadium homegames.
Home games are scheduled for: Friday, Aug. 31; Friday, Sept. 7; Friday, Sept. 28, Friday, Oct. 3 and Friday, Oct. 26.
For more information on Canner sports, log onto www.cannernation.com.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times - 08/18/07) - "Hats"

I was startled Monday afternoon at the grand opening of the Biglerville Library when a woman approached me from behind.
“Take off your hat,” she ordered.
I turned around, and low and behold, right before Scot Pitzer’s eyes was my Arendtsville Elementary School principal — Mrs. Griffie.
We embraced.
"You still need to take off your hat,” she said.
I removed my Calloway Golf hat, even though my head of hair looked like it had just come out of a box.
“That’s better,” smiled Mrs. Griffie.
Thirteen years after she gave me my sixth grade diploma, the rules still haven’t changed.
Be on time.
Be respectful.
Be courteous.
Raise your hand.
Be a gentleman.
And, I was reminded Monday, don’t wear your hat indoors.
“You know better,” Mrs. Griffie said.
Yes, I do.
It won’t happen again.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

on award winning reporters


On Poor Dumb SOBs

30-3 (continued)


"An ugly game at Camden Yards"

By Childs Walker and Jeff Zrebiec Sun Reporters
August 23, 2007
It was a loss of epic proportions.
On the day Dave Trembley was introduced as the Orioles' permanent manager, his team greeted him with the worst performances in franchise history yesterday, losing to the Texas Rangers, 30-3, in the first game of a doubleheader.
A little perspective: No major league team had scored as many as 30 runs in a game in 110 years.
It has happened nine times in baseball history, the last being when the Chicago Colts drubbed the Louisville Colonels, 36-7, on June 29, 1897, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.
"You need to have a real short memory," Trembley said in a brief post-game session with reporters, "and you let it go."
However, the Orioles' misery continued in the second game, when the Rangers pounded out 11 more hits to complete their doubleheader sweep with a 9-7 victory.
Camden Yards was about two-thirds empty when the first game started and pretty quiet even when the home team jumped out to a 3-0 lead by the bottom of the third inning.
But more and more fans arrived just as the game was slipping out of the Orioles' control.
Fans started to get restless and boo the home team during the Rangers' nine-run sixth inning. When the inning finally ended, the Orioles received a standing ovation.
The sarcastic applause continued when the Rangers scored 16 runs in the last two innings.
Fans behind the Orioles' dugout and on the flag court, where the final home run landed, were giving each other high fives.
Ranger Marlon Byrd, who hit a grand slam in the victory, said afterward, "You start to feel bad for the guys on their team."
Trembley, who nearly broke down with emotion earlier in the day at the news conference during which it was announced that his contract would be extended through the 2008 season, sat stoically in his dugout seat, staring straight ahead.
There was nothing he could do.

30-3 (continued...)

Tom Stevens of Millersville uses his binoculars to get a closer look at the final score. Texas became the first team in 110 years to score 30 runs, a new AL record. (Sun photo by Lloyd Fox / August 22, 2007)

30-3 (continued...)


Believe it or not, Baltimore had a 3-0 lead.

30-3: a columnist's view


"The Baltimore Sun: Roch Around the Clock"

Did that really happen?

All I can say is, thank goodness for that Matt Stover field goal last night, or it really could have been embarrassing.

30-3.

No matter how many times I write it or say it, the absurdity nearly overwhelms me.

30-3.

Who knew Daniel Cabrera would end up being the most effective pitcher?

And no, I don't believe the Rangers were piling on, though the on-side kick was a bit much.

30-3.

Brian Burres and Rob Bell are supposed to be the long men in the bullpen. I didn't know that meant making the games longer.

30-3.

No team had scored that many runs since 1900. And yes, I made a Julio Franco joke the minute it was announced.

30-3.

Manager Dave Trembley was misty eyed as he talked to reporters before Game 1 and recounted all the dues he paid in the minors - the long bus rides, the poor playing conditions, the altered lifestyle.

Then Game 1 began and he REALLY wanted to cry.

30-3.

Trembley walked into the interview room afterward and said, "If anyone has an intelligent question, ask it."

Boy, did he come to the wrong place!

The room fell silent. I was waiting for someone to say, "So...do you like...stuff?"

30-3.

I won't rip Trembley for leaving in his relievers too long. The guy had a second game to play. He needed someone to take one for the team so he wouldn't burn out the bullpen, but Burres and Bell didn't cooperate.

He had to wait. He had to hope someone would step up and restore a little order.

30-3.

This was no time to break out the Bradfords and Walkers. This was no time to mix-and-match. Erik Bedard wasn't pitching Game 2. We're talking Garrett Olson. There's no way Trembley could count on the rookie left-hander to give him seven or eight innings.

"We're talking about Garrett Olson. We're talking about Garrett Olson. Garrett Olson. Not Bedard, not Bedard, not Bedard. Garrett Olson."

Sorry, Allen Iverson just took over the blog for a few seconds. I'm back.

Whether it's 30-3 or 2-1, it still counts as one loss. A humiliating one, for sure, but one loss.

Nice save for Wes Littleton, by the way.
Next, he'll save a kid from drowning in a Wet Nap.

30-3 (continued)

Rob Clark of Baltimore smiles and other fans cheer after the Rangers score their 30th run of the game against the Orioles. The final score was 30-3. (Sun photo by Lloyd Fox / August 22, 2007)

30-3


"O's allow 30 runs in historic loss to Rangers"
O's surrender most runs in game since 1900, then get swept
By Roch Kubatko Sun Reporter
August 23, 2007

As much as Dave Trembley is honored and excited to be returning as Orioles manager next season -- news that became official yesterday and brought tears to his eyes -- there will be nights when he'd prefer a 14-hour bus ride in the minors, broken air conditioning and all.
In Game 1 of yesterday's doubleheader, the Orioles were battered by a team that kept batting around.
They surrendered six home runs, two of them grand slams, and a club-record 29 hits.
They also gave up the most runs scored in the majors since 1900, historic indiscretions that punctuated a 30-3 loss to the Texas Rangers before a sparse but wildly entertained gathering at Camden Yards.
And through it all, Trembley sat in the dugout with his lips pressed tightly together and an icy glare in his eyes -- when he wasn't walking to the mound to make another pitching change.
Are the Daytona Cubs hiring?
"You need to have a real short memory," Trembley said, "and you let it go."
Then you play a second game, with fresh wounds.
The Orioles also lost the nightcap, 9-7, when Jim Hoey permitted three runs in the eighth. Jay Payton and Nick Markakis homered in the third, after the Rangers took a 3-0 lead against rookie Garrett Olson, who allowed six runs in five innings. Payton also had a two-run single in the seventh.
"The one thing you hope is they have blisters from the first game," said the Orioles' Kevin Millar . "I've never seen 30. Thank God they don't get two wins for the one game."
Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia, the prized acquisition in the Mark Teixeira trade with the Atlanta Braves, homered twice, singled twice and drove in seven runs in the opener. No. 9 hitter Ramon Vazquez, batting .229 when the day began, had two three-run homers and an RBI single. Marlon Byrd and Travis Metcalf hit grand slams. David Murphy had five hits, two of them in the eighth inning.
Metcalf tied a franchise record with eight RBIs in a doubleheader, and the Rangers set an American League record with 39 runs in a doubleheader.
The Rangers did all their Game 1 scoring in four innings, sending nine men to the plate in the fourth, 14 in the sixth, 13 in the eighth and 10 in the ninth. And Trembley couldn't stop the bleeding.
"It's been a long day today," he said. "Whatever we threw, they hit it. They say hitting's contagious and that certainly was the case in the first game. I've never seen anything like it."
Daniel Cabrera (9-13) allowed six runs and nine hits in five-plus innings. Brian Burres was charged with eight runs and eight hits in two-thirds of an inning. Rob Bell allowed seven runs and five hits, with three walks, in 1 1/3 innings.
Paul Shuey surrendered nine runs and seven hits, with three walks, in two innings.
There's no exaggerating how long it has been since baseball has seen this kind of offensive display.
The 30 runs scored are the fourth most in major league history.
The Chicago Colts (now the Cubs) defeated the Louisville Royals, 36-7, in 1897.
No American League team has surpassed the Rangers' output, with the Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox totaling 29 in 1950 and 1955, respectively.
To put the game in further perspective: Erik Bedard has allowed 31 runs in his past 17 starts. The Orioles gave up 30 over nine innings.
They actually took a 3-0 lead against Rangers starter Kason Gabbard, scoring once in the first and twice in the third.
But Cabrera allowed five runs in the fourth after loading the bases on two infield hits -- including a potential double-play grounder from Jason Botts that shortstop Miguel Tejada couldn't handle to his backhand side -- and a walk.
The home clubhouse was closed between games, leaving a terse Trembley as the lone spokesman.
He didn't meet with his players.
"There's nothing that needs to be said," Trembley said.
The Orioles' previous record for most hits allowed was 26 against the Chicago White Sox in 1981.
The most runs they surrendered before yesterday were 26 against the Rangers in April 1996 --- a game that included shortstop Manny Alexander's debut as a pitcher. It was the largest margin of defeat in team history.
The Rangers became only the second team in 50 years to have four players total four or more RBIs in the same game. They also set a club record for most runs in a doubleheader before Game 2 started
.But at least Millar extended his streak of reaching base safely to 49 games, tying Ken Singleton's Orioles record.
The day wasn't a total loss.
Every time Shuey struck out a batter in the eighth, the ovation that greeted him was dripping with enough sarcasm to require a tarp.
The game had moved to the surreal.
And it hardly lacked in entertainment value.
"You start to feel bad for the guys on their team," Byrd said. "Shuey came in and he pitched his heart out. I don't know. We just kept putting it in the right spot."
By the eighth inning, Freddie Bynum had gone to left field and Tike Redman took over in center.
In the ninth, Bynum replaced Tejada at shortstop, Millar switched to left, Ramon Hernandez made his first appearance at first base and designated hitter J.R. House moved behind the plate.
The Rangers, meanwhile, made only one substitution in the field, with Metcalf replacing Michael Young at shortstop.
"Everyone was up there trying to get hits, regardless," Byrd said. "It's a pride thing. You're going up there, you're trying to get on base, you're still trying to score. But you can't believe it keeps on happening.
Asked how demoralizing it must be to surrender 30 runs, Byrd said, "I don't even want to imagine."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

On Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p..m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Friday, August 17, 2007

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times - 08/18/07) - "Reasonable confidence"


Rest assured, Pennsylvanians — just when we began to question the safety of the state bridge system, the Honorable Gov. Edward Rendell comforted our fears.
"Pennsylvanians can cross our bridges with reasonable confidence," Rendell said in the days following the tragic Minnesota bridge collapse.
(Yep, my opening line was complete sarcasm.)
With reasonable confidence?
I'm not even sure what that means.
"Just because a bridge is classified as 'deficient' doesn't mean it's bad orgoing to fail," our legislative leader continued.
What kind of classification system doesn't define the word 'deficient' as poor or faulty?
Must be a government dictionary.A
nd I say that with reasonable confidence.
- Scot Andrew Pitzer

On Elvis

30 years after death.....

Elvis is everywhere
Elvis is everything
Elvis is everybody
Elvis is still the King!

- Lyrics to a song I can't remember by a band I can't think of

On Chivalry

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles ripped across his chest.

She gasped... Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and get me a beer."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

On Politicians

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and happened upon an eatery where he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $1000.00
Baked Democrat: $1000.00

The cannibal asked the waiter, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The waiter replied, "They're so full of shit, it takes all day to clean one."

Friday, August 10, 2007

John Daly


Following a round of 67 during the first day of the PGA Championship in Tulsa, Okla., a reporter asked John Daly how he handled the 100 degree temps.

"I light up a cigarette," Daly replied, "and drink some caffeine, and it actually works."

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times: 08/11/07) - "Cool"

My sister and I engaged in one of those priceless moments Thursday morning that words do not bring justice.
Jamie was tired.
I was hungry. And tired.
We crossed paths in the Pitzer Household kitchen.
“Do you like me?” the 19-year-old college sophomore asked.
Ummm...
“Am I a good sister?” she continued.
What?
“Are you going to help me move into college at the end of the month?” asked Jamie.
Well, no, I hadn’t really marked the event on my social calendar.
“Why?” she persisted.
Do we really need to be having this conservation now?
“Do you think I’m cool?” she asked.
Uhhh...
“Like, I do cool things,” Jamie finished.
We laughed.
It’s what cool people do.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

today's second Bill Clinton liner of the day


"When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." –Bill Clinton

today's Al Gore quote of the day


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

today's Hillary Clinton liner of the day


“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”

today's Bill Clinton liner of the day


"What's a man got to do to get in the top fifty?" – Bill Clinton, reacting to a survey of journalists that ranked the Monica Lewinsky scandal as the 53rd most significant story of the century.

On DAM

What does D.A.M stand for?

Mothers Against Dyslexia.

On Modern Times

If there is one thing worse than the modern weakening of major morals it is the modern strengthening of minor morals.


- Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

On Kayaking



I now possess a whole new appreciation for the endeavor.

Monday, August 06, 2007

baseball trivia


Name the Baltimore Orioles who have had multi-homer games this season.

On Cats????

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein

On Rock Journalism

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa

Friday, August 03, 2007

On Finances

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason

On Shortcuts

Never break wind while engaged at the urinal. For if the wind proves substantial, you are twice the fool.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Reporter's Notebook (Gettysburg Times: 08/04/07) - "Ho, ho, ho"

Three weeks ago, while enjoying the sights, sounds and tastes of Gettysburg Bike Week 2k7 at a Steinwehr Avenue eatery, I witnessed the unfathomable.
Concealed deep within the festive crowd was a husky fellow, dressed in a red outfit.
“Is that who I think it is?” asked an astonished friend of mine.
Yes, indeed: Jolly old Saint Nick, himself.
I waved Santa over to our table.
"Ho, ho, ho!” bellowed the lovable giver of gifts. “Happy Bike Week!”
I grabbed my cellular phone and asked a restaurant patron if she would snap a photo (yes - they are capable of doing such things) of my gang with Santa.
"Make it quick boys,” Santa said. “I’ve gotta’ get back to my sleigh.”
Are the reindeer carting a bag of goodies?
“No,” replied Father Christmas, “but I do have a case of light hops.”
I surely hope he wasn’t sleighing-under-the-influence.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

today's Bill Clinton quote of the day


"I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years." —Bill Clinton

If a woodchuck could chuck wood...


...how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Penn State football: non-conference opponents in 2008-09


Is JoePa trying to steal some easy W's before he retires?
* * * * * * * * * *
The Associated Press
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Penn State’s nonconference schedule for 2008 so far is bereft of big-name opponents.

The Nittany Lions will open next season at home on Aug. 30 against Coastal Carolina, a Division I-AA school, before welcoming Arkansas State the following week.

The opponents were released in the Penn State media guide distributed this week at Big Ten media days in Chicago.

Penn State goes to Syracuse on Sept. 13, 2008.

While the Orange are in the Big East, they have struggled in recent seasons.

The Nittany Lions are still looking for an opponent for its final nonconference game the following week.

Nonconference opponents for 2009 include home games with Eastern Michigan, Syracuse and Temple.

On Roman Candles

The Rocket gets booed, followed by polite applause. Nifty.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

On Facts

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. - Henry Brooks Adams

Facts are stupid things. - Ronald Reagan

Facts! You can't trust facts! Those people can prove anything with facts! - Homer Simpson

On Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."