A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.
''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.
''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''
''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''
The Baltimore Orioles are enjoying a 5 game winning streak after Eric Bedard (8IP, 4H, 5K) and Chris Ray combined on a 3-0 shutout of the Kansas City Royals last night in Kansas City. The streak is composed of 2 wins over Oakland in Baltimore and a 3 game sweep of the Royals in Kansas City.
A 5 game winning streak is joyous as is, but what makes this particular one even sweeter is that the Oakland A's were 14-2 in their previous 16 games in Baltimore and Baltimore was 8-16 on the road coming into Kansas City.
The O's have done everything well in the 5 games. All 5 wins were collected by starters. The last 7 days shows O's pitching with a 5-2 record, 2.25 ERA, 21 BB and 42 K in 64 IP. O's hitters have heated up in that same period with a .272 AVG, 10 HR and 40 Runs. O's fielding still leads the AL.
The O's are headed to Anaheim for a 4 game set with the Angels. The O's have had a few winning streaks this season, but thus far, with one exception, they've followed winning streaks with losing streaks of equal or longer duration.
So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Is it daylight, or an oncoming train?
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
The Baltimore Orioles are 22-27 through 49 games this season. Through 49 games in 2006, the O's were...... 22-27. Despite this, there is still optimism for a winning campaign.
Orioles fielding has been solid. O's fielders have been charged with the fewest errors in the AL (21) which has them leading the AL in Fielding Percentage (.989). They are 5th in the AL in turning double plays.
O's pitching has been competitive. The only concern at this point is the ongoing struggles of reliever Danys Baez, who has recently formed the habit of throwing belt-high, middle of the plate fastballs in 2-0 counts. If the starters continue to perform well and the rest of the pen stays on the beam, having 1 struggling reliever on a 12 man staff is a problem you can take the time to work out.
O's pitching is 2nd in the AL in HR Allowed, 4th in Average Against and 6th in Earned Run Average. On the downside, they are 13th in Walks. This is the big contributor to 8th in WHIP and 9th in On Base Percentage. Solid fielding has diminished the ill effects of this charitable characteristic.
Starters Bedard and Trachsel have performed as would reasonably be expected with their respective track records. Jeremy Guthrie has been a wonderful surprise (11 Games, 5 starts, 2-1, 3.09 ERA, 1.10 WHIP). Daniel Cabrera still struggles with the Base on Balls, but has significantly improved in this regard. In 2006, he finished at 6.32 BB/9. Thus far in 2007, he's at 4.1 BB/9. The loss of Kris Benson (for the season) and Adam Loewen (at least for a couple months) hurts, but the rotation has absorbed these injuries well.
It is the Orioles (lack of) offense that is the primary contributor the Orioles 22-27 record. O's hitters are 8th in the AL in Batting Average, 7th in On Base Percentage, 7th in Hits and 6th in Bases on Balls. These numbers, combined with decent pitching and solid fielding, are good enough to fashion a winning record. However, the O's are 14th in the AL in Home Runs, 12th in Runs Scored and 12th in On Base + Slugging Percentage.
While there is clearly a power outage in Baltimore, the telling numbers for the O's offense are 5th in Total Plate Appearances, yet 9th in Total Pitches Seen. O's hitters are impatient. Many games they (as a team) seem to be in a hurry to make an out. The O's have a competitive lineup, not a great lineup. They are not talented enough to be free swingers. The more pitches thrown, the more mistake pitches thrown. Make the opposing pitcher work. Throughout the lineup, they're good enough to make pitchers pay for mistakes. They must give opposing pitchers more opportunities to make mistakes.
Earl would say, "What we need is a visit from Dr. Longball." Unfortunately for the Orioles, you can't make appointments with Dr. Longball.
You have to be patient and wait for him.
When you are sad -- I will get drunk with you and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue -- I will dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile -- I will know you got some.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused -- I will use little words.
When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. " Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Legends will be born, history will be made, and hearts will be crushed this Monday in York County where, when the dust settles and the smoke clears at Mentzer Field, a Wiffleball Bash champion is expected to be crowned.
The annual holiday clash traditionally pits the Kids Team versus the Aunts-and-Uncles contingent.
Unfortunately, the long winning streak built by the Kid's Team might be coming to a crashing halt — my team's numbers are quickly dwindling.
Sister Jamie informed me this week that she'll be working dayshift.
"Who's going to pitch?" I asked her.
Shrugged shoulders was her response.
My brother also recently indicated that he likely won't be available for the game.
"Who will play center field?" I asked him.
He replied: "A youngster will have to step up."
Meanwhile, the collective belly of the Aunts-and-Uncle's squad, my sources tell me, is again lit with a burning fire.
Uncle Jeff has been hitting the track.
Dad was recently spotted analyzing scouting reports (hint — pitch me outside).
Uncle Dan, I'm told, has been shagging flyballs in his Arendtsville backyard.
And Uncle Stan has been hitting the weights.
"We're ready," Uncle Stan told me last week.
We're scared.
Let's play ball.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
Restaurant patron: "The food in this restaurant is terrible!"
Companion: "Yes, and such small portions!"
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
So, I asked him, "You got any shoes you're not using?"
- Stephen Wright
The losing mentality is prevalent in Baltimore.
How else do you squander a 5-0 lead with one out in the top of the ninth?
(1). Why is it that this team cannot execute routine, fundamental defensive plays?
The ninth inning pop-up needs to be caught. Period.
And the ground ball hit to Millar needs to be converted into an out. Get your ass over to the bag, Chris Ray.
Teams from the Little League to Major League level are able to execute those plays. The Orioles are not.
(2). Ray and Baez should be demoted. Immediately. And fined. One out and a five run lead in the top of the ninth, and these bums come in, give up rockets and walk batters.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
Boy - "Dark in here"
Lover - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Lover -"That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Lover - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Lover - "OK, how much?"
Boy -"$250."
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Lover - "Yes, It is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Lover - "How much?"
Boy -"$750."
Lover -"Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says," I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks," How much did you sell them for?" Boy-"$1,000." The father says," That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Priest - " Don't start that again, you're in my closet now!"
Ryan: "Stephen, will your ball game be over in 2 hours?"
Stephen: "Nope, it will be over in 6 innings."
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
This past week, the Baltimore Orioles placed starting pitcher Adam Loewen on the DL with a hairline fracture of the throwing arm, reporting that the fracture has been there all season.
Loewen is 2-0 with a 3.56 ERA.
Perhaps, instead of putting Loewen on the DL, O's management should break the arms of the rest of the pitching staff.
May 4, 2007
BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER
Times Staff Writer
Not even one-fourth of the way into the 2007 edition of the Major League baseball season, the Baltimore Orioles have already sunk to new lows.
The optimism that greets each Opening Day first pitch has quickly cooled in Bird Land, where 10 straight losing seasons appears inevitable.
Sure, on paper, Baltimore is only a handful of games under the .500 mark.
But this team, both offensively and defensively, is so pathetically anemic that losses — as they have been for years — are now expected.
Victories are mere blips along the 162-game radar screen.
Day in, day out, this club routinely snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.
Why?
Quite frankly, this team is unfundamentally sound (or fundamentally unsound, however you want to look at it): pathetic offense, Little League defense, hurlers who can't throw strikes, and starting pitchers who never seem to find the sixth inning.
But fortunately, the season is not lost...yet.
The point of no return, however, is quickly approaching.
Here are four simple procedures that Warehouse officials can undertake — now — to right the feathery fists of futility.
(1). Tell the starters that they are out on the mound until they get at least one out in the seventh inning. If that means a 10-run deficit, oh well. If it means 150 pitches, oh well. If they come out before either, no paycheck for that start.
In the month of April, not one Oriole starter logged an out in the eighth inning. At this rate, the bullpen — which $40 million was poured into over the offseason — will fatigue by Memorial Day.
(2). Tell the hitters that anyone who swings at a first pitch is fined a game-day paycheck.
Baltimore batters, for some reason, aren't patient this season. The result? Opposing starters cruise into the late innings, mowing down Orioles batsmen in rapid fashion.
(3). Tell all the pitchers — starters and relievers — that for each walk, they owe 50 pushups, and are fined $2,500.
Last month, Oriole pitching led the Major Leagues in walks issued. And 95 percent of the time, those walks scored.
(4). Tell the hitters that runners-in-scoring position not cashed in will result in $6,000 for each runner. A grounded-into-double-play will set a hitter back $3,000.
During a game this week at Detroit, the Orioles were 1-16 with runners in scoring position.
I'm not kidding.
You almost have to try to be that bad.
Why the fines? Hit these professional athletes in the wallet where it stings, and perhaps — just maybe — they'll come around.
Evidently, hitting them in their pride does nothing.
This team must stop looking for new ways to fail, and start playing baseball like they care.
Nine years, and 30 games, of ineptitude is enough.
Scot Pitzer is a Times news reporter.
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar
We keep gettin' richer
But we can't get our picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
The Orioles and Tigers resumed a plunking tiff last night in Detroit that started in Baltimore 3 weeks ago during the first series between the two clubs. The Tigers plunk Tejada and the Orioles retaliate by plunking Sheffield. This is generally considered an honorable pursuit amongst baseball teams striving for an edge over a worthy foe.
Last night was different, though, and arguably illustrates why the Orioles may be only flirting with the status of "worthy foe" and why the Tigers may be flattering them by treating them as such.
First of all, Tejada offered at the Bonderman pitch that started last nights episode. He put it in play. He followed this by not running to first and then posturing and jawing at the Tigers pitcher. While Tejada may believe his tantrum was brought on because Bonderman threw at him, the reality is that the tantrum was brought on because Bonderman retired him.
When the Orioles retaliated by hitting Sheffield in the middle of the back, Sheffield dropped his bat lightly and trotted to 1st base. No stare, no jawing, no posturing. Just take your base.
Tejada is clearly the Orioles best player. Tejada is widely regarded (amongst the talking heads) as the O's on field leader. The O's will not be a winning team until they get winning on field leadership. You can't throw a tantrum because you made an out. You can't hit the opposing teams' big hitter because your big hitter made an out. Your focus must be on winning, not on protecting your man.
Sometimes, your man just has to be a man.
