On Thingies

Q: Where does a general keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies

Q: How did Hitler tie his shoes?
A: In knotsies

On Party Platforms

Issue

A man and wife with two young children are walking down a deserted street. A terrorist with a knife comes around the corner, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges.

Democrat Party Platform Plank

Is the terrorist poor? Oppressed?

What have we done to him that would inspire him to attack?

Can the family run away?

What does the wife think?

What do the kids think?

What does the law say about this situation?

Is it possible the terrorist would be satisfied with killing just one of the family?

Does the terrorist definitely want to kill someone or just wound someone?

Should 911 be called?

Why is this street so deserted?

Raise taxes.

This is complex. We need to hold hearings to determine who is at fault.

Republican Party Platform Plank

BANG!

Redneck Party Platform Plank

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one !?"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!!"

On Ambition

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - Edgar Bergen

On Super Heros

Now if we can just find SuperMan...

On Poetry

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. - Robert Heinlein

On Beauty (Redux)

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? - Jean Kerr

On Evaluating Intelligence

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?

On Improvements

On Looking Quickly

Better look now. The Baltimore Orioles are 9-7 and stand in 2nd place in the American League East division.

John Kruk

"I'm not an athlete," says Philadelphia Phillies first-baseman John Kruk. "I'm a ballplayer."

"Busted"

GETTYSBURG TIMES

Investigators: Garcia thwarted drug raid

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER & JOHN MESSEDER

Times Staff Writers

A former Gettysburg police chief has been formally accused of providing an alert to suspected drug dealers immediately before a raid was to be executed last year at a Chambersburg Street apartment.

Rolf Garcia, 47, was charged Thursday morning with obstructing administration of law and hindering apprehension or prosecution.

He was Gettysburg’s police chief for three years before he mysteriously resigned last summer.

According to Findings of Fact reported by a state Investigative Grand Jury, Garcia — of 1975 Carrolls Tract Road, Orrtanna — was informed by the Adams County Drug Task Force that a raid was about to be performed in early February, 2006, at an apartment along the 200 block of Chambersburg Street.

Garcia allegedly told his 17-year-old son about the impending raid, and the young man, in turn, informed the persons who were about to be stormed. “My son denies it...I didn’t tell my son anything,” Garcia told WGAL-8 on Thursday. “I would never do anything to compromise my integrity or my flawless record.”

Charging documents filed at District Magistrate Thomas Carr’s office Thursday revealed that phone conversations — from Garcia to his son, and from his son to his cohorts — did occur during the night of the February 3, 2006, raid.

State Police Cpl. Kenneth Hassinger testified before the Grand Jury that he made a “courtesy” phone call to Garcia, at 9:22 p.m. on Feb. 3, to advise him of the forthcoming raid.

Garcia, the documents continue, then notified GPD detective Kevin Wilson.

When authorities approached the Chambersburg Street building shortly before 9:45 p.m., officers observed two males fleeing from the residence.

Dwelling resident Tony Hill informed authorities that he received a telephone call that night, allegedly from Garcia’s son, hinting that a drug bust might transpire, although he “did not know where.”

Hill told the Grand Jury that Garcia’s son purportedly received a call from his father regarding a search warrant, and that his son “relayed that information to others.”

Garcia testified he would have “never given the exact location of a search warrant to his son,” but he did admit that it was “possible that he told his son to stay away from a certain location.”

Charging documents stated Rolf Garcia “had no positive recollection of his conversation with his son that evening.”

Gettysburg Police Department policy states: “No personnel shall communicate any information to a person not a member of the Police Department regarding...any information of a confidential nature...”

“The allegations against the chief are troubling,” Adams County District Attorney Shawn Wagner told the Times, “because he could have endangered the lives of police officers.”

Borough officials, who signed a settlement package last summer with Garcia — which forbids all parties from publicly discussing his departure — have maintained a firm “no comment” stance throughout the duration of the mushrooming controversy.

The police saga ballooned in the spring of 2006 when GPD officer Sharon Gelwicks filed a state gender discrimination and harassment suit, against Garcia, with the state.

Thursday’s charges imposed upon Garcia, by the state’s Attorney General’s Office, are a new twist in an already convoluted ordeal.

Gettysburg Borough Council president Theodore H. Streeter, speaking for the municipality, declined to comment.

“We’ve been advised not to say anything,” Streeter told the Times.

Wagner pointed out what he termed a “direct correlation” between drug dealers and a potential for violence. He said his office was aware of the possibility of Garcia’s involvement within two days of the raid.

A check of records on cellular phones belonging to the primary people corroborate the accusation, prompting Wagner to refer the case to the state’s Attorney General, Tom Corbett.

“We were involved due to a conflict of interest,” Attorney General’s Office spokeswoman Lauren Bozak told the Times.

Why wasn’t the probing handled by a local agency?

“We work with Gettysburg Police Department on almost a daily basis,” Wagner said, adding that investigating a police chief with whom his office works could have had a “negative impact on relations” with other law enforcement staffs.

Garcia was not arrested Thursday.

“There were misdemeanors, so we scheduled a prelim and mailed (the notice) out to him,” said Melissa A. Maseneimer, a staffer at Carr’s court.T

he preliminary hearing is scheduled for May 24, at 10 a.m., in Carr’s court on Middle Street, Gettysburg.Each charge carries a potential sentence of two years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

Contact Scot Pitzer and John Messeder by e-mailing them at spitzer@gburgtimes.com or johm@gburgtimes.com.

practice makes perfect

"I told the team it was an optional practice," Tigers manager Sparky Anderson said. "If they didn't show, they were getting optioned."

Nick the Stick

You can't take us with Markakis!

On Higher Education

Fathers send their sons to college either because they went to college or because they didn't. - LL Henderson

On Education

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. - Bob Edwards

Cowboy Up

Kevin Millar: #15, Baltimore Orioles

On speech

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care. - William Safire

On Patience

Take your time, I'll wait.

the Shawshank Redemption (1994)

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

On Luck

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. - Thomas Jefferson

the Oriole bird

Orioles magic. Feel it happen.

On Problem Solving

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning,same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

this is what a baseball uniform is supposed to look like

April 12, 2007: Kansas City Royals at Baltimore

Royal batter steps into the batters box.

Uncle Stan: "Scot, take a picture of him."

Scot: "Why?"

Uncle Stan: "Because that's what a baseball uniform is supposed to look like."

Scot: "What do you mean?"

Uncle Stan: "Nephew of mine, look at those high socks. That's how you're supposed to wear 'em."

driving directions: everyone try this

Log onto Google.
Click on "maps," and then "get directions."
New York, New York to Paris, France.
Scroll down to #23.
Isn't that whack?!?

Camden Yards

The seats are cushioned...and they have cupholders.

On Career Counseling

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while admiring the magazines' centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman."

On Community Service

A Republican goes to the barbershop for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber says: "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a thank you card and a book entitled "How to Improve Your Business".

That day, a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a dozen Democrats lined up for a free haircut.

On the Sea

An octopus has eight testicles.
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
Men often take to the sea with pots and come back with crabs.

On Canadian Vocabulary

Main Entry: ¹hal-la-day
Pronunciation: 'how-l&-"dA, Britain usually 'hä-l&-dE
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hAligdæg, from hAlig holy + dæg day
1 : HOLY DAY
2 : a day on which one is exempt from work; specifically : a day marked by a general suspension of work in commemoration of an event
3 chiefly British : VACATION -- often used in the phrase on holiday (sic); often used in plural
4 : a period of exemption or relief
5 :chiefly Canadian : every fifth day from April through September

Usage: The Blue Jays bullpen celebrated the Halladay by watching a ballgame.

On B*&%#@!

My 25 yr. old nephew says he knows Mike Flanagan (O's EVP, Baseball Operations, '79 Cy Young Award, etc...). Claims he met him in a restaurant and then Mike Flanagan bought him lunch. My nephew took me to the ballgame last night. Section 38 is behind home plate, Row CC is 8 rows deep and Seat 4 is behind the right handed batters box.

On Popularity

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

On Mediocrity

Only the mediocre are always at their best. - Jean Giraudoux

On Grassroots Movements

Is there a grassroots effort in support of a Fred Thompson presidential candidacy? or a stunningly elaborate negotiating ploy to get a sweeter deal from ABC?

On Success

During last night's Orioles vs. Tigers broadcast, they showed a picture of the Tigers AL championship rings (which they'd just received). Gary Thorne and Jim Palmer (Orioles talking heads) discussed the stunning beauty of the ring and commented on the great season the Tigers completed in 2006, etc....

Then Gary Thorne asked Palmer how the Tigers 2006 AL Championship ring compared to his rings. Palmer claimed that the Tigers ring was much better because he did not have any AL Championship rings. That's right. None.

Jim Palmer was a member of 6 AL Champion Orioles teams in his career ('66, '69', '70, '71, '79, '83) and no Oriole received a ring for any of those titles. Palmer and the rest do have 3 World Series Championship rings ('66, '70, '83).

On Anatomy (redux)

On Anatomy

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom, are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

On the Two Party System (redux)

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. - Lord Acton

On Aging (Redux)

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. - George Burns

On Aging

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

On Religion

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

On the Two Party System

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "And you must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

On the O's

The Orioles rebounded from yesterday's stunning 10-7 loss to the Yankees with a 6-4 victory today to win 2 of the 3 game road series.

Erik Bedard pitched 7 innings for the O's (7 IP, 5 H, 3 ER, 5 K) allowing 3 earned runs in the bottom of the 1st and scattering two singles in innings 2 through 7. The bullpen got nicked for a run in the 8th following a leadoff triple by Johnny Damon.

For the first time in the 2007 campaign, O's defenders played the entire game without committing an error.

A 2 run home run by Kevin Millar and a 3 run shot by Paul Bako highlighted the O's offense.

The O's record is 2-4 in the first six games, all on the road, against the defending Central Division champion Twins and the defending East Division champion Yankees. They now go home to Baltimore and take on the defending American League champion Tigers in a 3 game set.

Thru the 1st week of the season, the O's stand 12th in the AL in hitting, 13th in pitching and 13th in fielding.

If only the pitching and fielding were as good as the hitting....

On Global Warming

"Like all things current, cool and hip, global warming hasn't yet reached Cleveland."

- ESPN Talking Head reporting on the Cleveland Indians home opener against Seattle, which saw a temperature of 30 degrees and a snowstorm which delayed and eventually postponed the game.

On Home Remedies

1. To remedy a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will be afraid to cough.
   
2. To resolve a dispute with the lady of the house regarding the disposition of the toilet seat, use the sink.
   
3. To relieve the discomfort of a toothache, smash your thumb with a hammer.
   

On Fixing Stuff (Yet Again)

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

On Fixing Stuff (redux)

Tools Needed:

WD-40

Duct Tape

Instructions:

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

An eyeful a day keeps the doctors away!

Honestly, what can't they do???

On Beauty

Got Bath?
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Buckeye Fans...

really don't like Gators!

On Simplification

Does anyone know that it's not this simple?

On Government Subsidies

For the New Jersey Devils...

Winning and being in 1st place isn't good enough. Head Coach Claude Julien has guided the New Jersey Devils to 1st place in the Eastern Conference Atlantic Division of the National Hockey League, but General Manager Lou Lamoriello doesn't like what he sees and so Claude is looking for a new job.

On Agita

The Orioles 2007 debut in Minneapolis last night has generated considerable agita around here. On the up side, there were plenty of positives, however, the negatives compiled into a 7-4 loss at the hands of the Twins.

Positives

The offense scored 4 earned runs in 6 innings off of Johan Santana. Granted, it was only Opening Day and Santana did not yet have his dominating stuff, but he is left handed and that is often enough to stymie the O's offense.

Jay Gibbons returned from an injury riddled 2006 campaign and went 2-4 with 2 doubles and an rbi. Gibbons is now 8-15 lifetime against Santana.

Tejada homered.

The bullpen worked 3 1/3 innings allowing 1 unearned run. O's pitching walked a mere 3 batsmen.

Rightfielder Nick Markakis notched 2 assists, nailing runners at home and 2nd base.

Negatives

O's starter Erik Bedard got hammered. 4 2/3 IP, 10 H, 6 ER, 2 HR.

The Orioles defense committed two errors.

The negatives list is a short one, but critical. Poor starting pitching and shoddy fielding will almost always add up to a loss. There is good reason to expect that Bedard will pitch much better than he did last night. The fielding, however, was shoddy last season and again last night. C'mon glovemen, catch the damn ball!

Do you sleep in the buff?

Do you sleep in the buff?

On Espionage

Italian Mother
Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:
"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love,Anthony"
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.
"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."