On O's Cheerleaders

On Talking Dogs

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He knocks and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees the dog sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies.

'What's your story?'

The dog says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.'

'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar.'

On Mathematics

Tell our good friend, Dr. Price, not to be in any pains for us, (because I remember he had his doubts) we are all firm and united. As I know he is a great calculator I will give him some data to work upon: ministry [England's colonial ministry] have made a campaign here, which has cost two millions, they have gained a mile of ground; they have lost half of it back again, they have lost fifteen hundred men, and killed one hundred and fifty Yankees. In the meantime we have had betwen sixty and seventy thousand children born. Ask him how long it will take for England to conquer America?

- A Letter To A Friend in London
Benjamin Franklin, 1774

On Estate Planning

A single man learned that his wealthy father would perish within two weeks and he would inherit the estate. He determined that he wanted a woman with which to enjoy his inheritance.

So, he went to a singles bar where he met the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life. He said to her, "I may appear to be an ordinary man, but my father will die within two weeks and I will inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with him that night.

Three days later she became his stepmother.

football trivia

I am the only quarterback in the history of the NFL to have completed a touchdown pass to myself.

Who am I?

politics

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx

In politics, nothing is contemptible.
- Benjamin Disraeli

math: the world's oldest math problem

Oldest mathematical puzzle
• dating from 1650 B.C..
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks,
and every sack had seven cats.
Kitten, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

On Thriftyness

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

a cowboy joke

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is Locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy', and here I am."Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

protection: Hillary Clinton

This man, 73, wears a protective flap over his ear while Senator Hillary Clinton addresses the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

it's official: Drew Carey replacing Bob Barker

Jul 23, 4:29 PM EST

The Associated Press

NEW YORK -- Genial comic Drew Carey was tapped Monday to replace silver-haired legend Bob Barker on the CBS daytime game show "The Price is Right."
Carey confirmed the deal during a taping of the "Late Show" with David Letterman.
The selection attracted more attention than usual for a daytime show because of the prospect of replacing Barker, 83. Barker retired after 35 years in the job last month following taping of his 6,586th episode.
The opening attracted widespread interest, including from comic Rosie O'Donnell after she left "The View."
Carey, 49, spent a decade on his own ABC sitcom and also was host of the game show "Whose Line is It Anyway?," a comic improvisational show.
He will also be host of a new CBS prime-time game show, "The Power of 10," that will air first next month. He told The Associated Press that CBS officials first contacted him about "The Price is Right" immediately after he completed a pilot of the other game show this spring.

today's Hillary Clinton quote of the day

"My husband said he didn't do it..."

"...but that's according to his definition."

On Power

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - John Lehman

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times: 07/20/07): "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"

Good wholesome family fun was the name of the game last weekend at the Legion woods in Biglerville where my clan found a unique — and incredibly amusing — way of spending an afternoon reunion: a round of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?
Mom, an educator of fifth grade youth, developed the questions.
Dad, Grandma Pitzer and I hosted the trivia session.
The categories? Math, spelling, science, geography, and reading.
Answers emanating from the mouths of our relatives were creatively inaccurate.
One family member had difficulty naming all four of the Earth’s oceans.
Another high-ranking member of the family stumbled while remembering the seven colors of the rainbow.
“Pink,” the fellow said.
Pink?
Stunningly, our panel of experts — a pair of young elementary pupils — was not able to guide the chap in the correct direction.
Spell handkerchief.
My cousin couldn’t...and neither could the experts.
One of the youngsters falsely thought the word started with a “k.”
Can you name a type of cloud?
One of the experts wrote: “storm cloud.”
What are the four components of the Earth’s water cycle?
How about four of the six categories involving simple machines?
Is an alligator an amphibian or a reptile?
Tough questions. Challenging answers.
I’m still trying to figure out the seven colors of the rainbow.
— Scot “Roy G. Biv” Pitzer

GETTYSBURG TIMES (072007): "Legislator criticizes buget process, governor on radio show"

BY JARRAD HEDES
Times Staff Writer

Local State Rep. Dan Moul (R-91) referred to Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell as “sleazy” Thursday morning while discussing the 2007 state budget process and other political issues on Fred Snyder’s “Breakfast Nook” aired on 1320 WGET AM.
“This is a very popular Governor,” said Moul, who resides in Conewago Township. “He’ll stick one hand in your left pocket and one hand in your right pocket and he’ll make you think he is scratching your back for you. I don’t want to be that sleazy. I don’t want to learn anything from this guy.”
The freshman Republican legislator, who also held a town meeting in Carroll Valley Thursday night, told Snyder he doesn’t feel Adams and other counties outside of Pittsburgh and Philadelphia are getting their fair shake when it comes to state funding.
He also advised his constituents against voting for a state leader with a background similar to Rendell, a Democrat serving in his second term as Governor and former Philadelphia mayor, in the future.
“The Governor could really care less about a Republican from Adams County,” Moul said. “He has no reason to want to put money down here. He is from Philadelphia. After this first budget process that we have gone through, my message is now...people who live in Central Pennsylvania and vote for a Governor from Philadelphia, you are shooting yourself in the foot because the money is going to go to Philly. Never ever vote for a Governor from Philadelphia.”
Citing examples such as Philadelphia’s $880 million convention center and a new $235 million arena for the Pittsburgh Penguins, Moul called the funding distribution method an “atrocity.”
“(Representatives from Philadelphia and Pittsburgh) just locked up our five percent capital discrecinary fundings budget, which is the five percent from gaming revenues for capital projects, for the next 30 years between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia,” Moul said. “I don’t see one benefit here in Adams County of putting $235 million of our tax money into a hockey club in Pittsburgh.”
Moul also had strong remarks regarding his initial state budget experience.
“There is a team that is selected by the leadership and the Governor that is put together,” Moul explained. “They work on (the budget) and say here it is, vote it up or down. I really didn’t have a whole lot to do with it until the night before we were to vote on it. They said here is what we came up with, tomorrow morning you are going to vote on this. Being involved with it really is nonexistent. Needless to say I voted no all day on just about every component of the budget.”
Although he voted no, Moul said that and many of his other votes that contrast with the agenda of the majority party, and what he calls “the Philadelphia boys,” carry little weight in Harrisburg.
“Let me be extraordinarily clear about this," Moul said, “the (Philadelphia boys) outnumber us tremendously and they make no mistake about saying we are going to do whatever benefits us and if you don’t like it, we will just outvote you. They have the numbers because they have the population. The party that is in control pretty much has to stay in step with their leader. If they don’t, they won’t get projects put in their area. It is basically all of them plus the Philly boys against us.”
Because, according to Moul, the majority of state legislators have so little say in the budget process, a large portion of money was wasted by having everyone work on the weekend in order to get a timely approval.
“We worked six weekend days on everything but the budget, so basically we just threw close to $600,000 of taxpayer’s money down the drain and they didn’t even bat an eye about it,” Moul said. “We need to make changes.”
Representatives from Rendell’s press office did not return messages seeking comment.
Jarrad Hedes can be reached at jhedes@gburgtimes.com.

Canner Country

A gorgeous sunset in Biglerville.

GETTYSBURG TIMES (07/19/07): "Lunch prices going up in Upper Adams"

BY JARRAD HEDES

Times Staff Writer

For the first time in nearly three years, Upper Adams School District is raising its lunch prices.

Tuesday night, the school board approved a 25-cent increase in the cost of a midday meal, taking the elementary student lunch to $1.75, the secondary student lunch to $2 and an adult lunch to $3.

“We have not done this in a while,” said Upper Adams Business Manager Mike Lawrence. “I don’t think it is that much to ask for although I am not paying the bill.”

For the 2006-07 school year, the district ended in the red for cafeteria costs and Lawrence predicts the lunch price increase will bring the costs and revenue closer together.

“If we would have increased the cost last year, we would not have come out with a large profit, but it would have been about $4,000,” he said.

Lawrence added that school cafeterias are being urged to serve more fresh fruits and vegetables which is easy to do, just not cheap.

“The costs certainly have gone up in the food stores,” said board member Janet Schroeder.

Board president Brad Hollabaugh said even with the increase, students and faculty are still getting a good deal.

“Where else can you get a healthy meal for $2 or $3?,” he asked.

Milk prices, which are currently 40 cents, will remain the same.

Jarrad Hedes can be reached at jhedes@gburgtimes.com.

GETTYSBURG TIMES (07/18/07): "Gettysburg trash pickup irks locals"

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER

Times Staff Writer

Gettysburg leaders weren’t happy when the town’s trash collector recently gathered garbage an hour before they were legally authorized to begin the 7 a.m. service.

So officials invited the borough’s trash collector — Greencastle based Waste Management — to their Monday afternoon Gettysburg Borough Council public works committee session.

“We’ve had some issues with early morning pickup, trash bins missing, and alley pickup,” borough manager John D. Lawver, Jr., said during Monday’s meeting. “I think it’s all workable. We just need to talk to one another.”

Monday’s dialogue with Waste Management representatives Ed Brown and Tom Stang ranged far beyond early morning pickup displeasure.

“One of the big issues we have is when trash containers overflow on a Saturday night, and you don’t pickup on Sundays,” council president Theodore H. Streeter told Waste Management representatives.

“It’s not a big occurrence, but it does happen after special events.”

A handful of the half-dozen residents who attended Monday’s meeting concurred with Streeter.

“I think the borough should be concerned about the streets and downtown appearance on Sundays,” resident Susan Naugle said. “There aren’t enough receptacles out there. We can do better.”

Colton Motel manager Andrew Manley, whose business is located along Steinwehr Avenue, indicated that last weekend’s Bike Week festivities resulted in a filthy Steinwehr appearance.

“My guests were on the street picking up trash,” said Manley. “This is Gettysburg, and my guests are complaining to me about the trash in the gutters. This is 48 hours after an event. This is unacceptable to the taxpayers.”

The town’s governing body has, in the past, targeted Steinwehr as a significant trash collection area, but efforts within Gettysburg’s gateway from the south have faded recently.

“We used to have a lot of bins out there,” 3rd Ward councilman Robert E. Miller said Monday, “but the businesses didn’t want them, so we took two away.”

Third Ward councilman Edwin R. Peterson is a proponent of giving the Steinwehr corridor more trash pickup attention.

“The trash bins on Steinwehr were burgeoning last weekend. It’s the most frequented street in Gettysburg, aside from the square,” Peterson told Waste Management. “We’d appreciate it if you could make that one of your first stops.”

Stang indicated that he’d be happy to alleviate the borough’s Steinwehr concerns. While he maintained that his operation wouldn’t be collecting trash on Sundays, he promised to place ‘special event’ garbage containers downtown during heavy tourist weekends.

“We can also work with you so that Steinwehr is our first stop on Mondays,” Stang said Naugle thinks Waste Management could use more manpower on various routes through town.

“Sometimes, you only have one person on your trucks,” she said Monday afternoon, using an example of when she recently left the town’s Post Office, along Buford Avenue, and attempted to travel west toward the Lutheran Theological Seminary — an approximate quarter-mile commute.

“It took me 30 minutes to get to Howard Avenue and make a turn at the Seminary,” Naugle continued. “There was just one person driving...stopping...and getting the trash. This was on Route 30 so that’s not a good situation.”

Stang deemed that Naugle was caught behind a recycling truck.

“Typically our recycling routes are just one person,” Stang said. “Trash pickups have a helper.”

Brown requested an earlier pickup time on Monday mornings, claiming that launching his service an hour or so earlier prior to the borough’s 7 a.m. ordinance requirement would alleviate traffic congestion.

Waste Management hauls residential trash in Gettysburg on Mondays. Commercial garbage duties are performed throughout the week.

“We could get in and out of town before the traffic is here and before we can back any traffic up,” Brown said.

Stang elaborated.

“Earlier start times help with traffic flow, and help particularly when the weather gets hotter,” he told officials. “If our crews could get an hour or two jump on their routes, that would be beneficial.”

But town leaders aren’t budging — at least for now — with the borough’s 7 a.m. pickup time.

“There is currently no provision in our ordinance that would allow an earlier pickup time to happen,” Lawver said. “Our ordinance requires no pickup in town before 7 a.m.”

The borough is presently in the middle of a five-year contract with Waste Management.

Contact Scot Pitzer at 334-1131, ext. 247 or spitzer@gburgtimes.com.

On Electricity

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, begfor forgiveness and release her.

The last, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

Gettysburg Times (07/18/07): "Pitzer masters the Links"

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER
Times Staff Writer

I was flabbergasted late Monday morning while standing near the first tee box at the Links at Gettysburg.
Duramed FUTURES Tour pro Stephanie George had just cranked a tee shot 230 powerful yards.
"She's good," whispered playing partner, and Times newsroom colleague, Jarrad Hedes.
With butterflies swirling in my belly, I asked Hedes if he was going to hit his ball down the par-four, 335-yard fairway.
"You go ahead," he insisted.
My shot barely cleared the ladies' tee.
Media personalities from around the south-central Pennsylvania and northern Maryland regions played the front nine Monday at the Links with two Duramed FUTURES Tour golfers, George and Ashley Grier.
The tour, the developmental branch of the female LPGA Tour, is visiting the Links next month, Aug. 24-26, for the second edition of the Gettysburg Championship.
Monday's outing was my first ever at the Links.
Having covered the inaugural Gettysburg Championship last year, Monday provided me with an advantageous opportunity to see for myself the conditions — narrow fairways, daunting hazards, and lightning quick greens — that the professionals must overcome.
If you've never witnessed these women play golf, trust me: they're good.
Very, very good.
"Are you going to hit your ball?" Hedes asked.
Yes — and it skipped a grand distance of 35 yards, but at least it was back on the fairway.
"You need to shorten up your swing," Hedes said, "and calm down."
Unbelievable.
We were playing with two professional female golfers, and Hedes was the one giving me tips.
As I approached my ball, sitting roughly 120 yards from the green, I couldn't help but notice the softness of the fairway.
Unlike other courses where you nearly fracture your wrist swinging at a fairway ball, the Links' fairways are cushioned by a blanket of delicate grass.
I grabbed a wedge and drilled the ball for my first above-average swing of the day.
"Great job!" shouted Gettysburg Championship tournament director Duff Forsythe.
The jitters had ceased.
Unfortunately, the flight of my ball did not, as it eventually landed in a mammoth creek that fronted the green.
Good thing I brought a lot of balls.
Following an eight on the first hole, I blasted my tee shot into the stratosphere above the par-four 382-yard second hole.
Two hundred yards later, after my tee shot crossed a grassy gully, the ball landed in the middle of the fairway.
A boisterous round of applause emerged from my group of five playing partners.
"You'll be fine now that your butterflies are gone," George said as she high-fived me.
Hedes and I were within 20 yards of each other, and as we approached our balls, Forsythe offered us a suggestion.
"There's another gully in front of the green, so you may want to lay up," Forsythe told us.
We did...perfectly.
Then I chipped my ball across the crater onto the green.
"If you give yourself an opportunity to make pars here, you can shoot a good score," George said.
As I drove the cart to the green, I dumped Hedes off to look for his ball in the woods.
My ball was a solid 40 feet from the cup, on the opposite side of the green, atop a sharp slope.
"Just give it a tap," Forsythe said, "because it'll roll."
It most certainly did.
The ball kept rolling...and rolling...and rolling...past the cup and off the other side of the green.
I three putted back up the incline to finish with a triple bogey.
"You almost have to play this course every day to get a good grasp of the green speed," George said.
The par-three 160-yard third hole was another thriller, as the green was backed by a steep cliff.
"I've seen golfers actually play their ball off the rocks," laughed George.
She, of course, smacked her Titleist onto the green within 25 feet of the pin.
Mine landed in the two-inch rough that borders the green.
"We'd like to get the rough to three inches by the time the tournament starts," Forsythe said.
After nearly coming out of my shoes chipping the ball from the thick grass, I four-putted for a disappointing six.
George two-putted for par, and then left with Forsythe to join another group.
After shooting a seven on the par-five 440-yard fourth hole, and accumulating another seven on the par-four 334-yard fifth hole, I managed a double bogey on the deceiving par-three 125-yard sixth hole.
"I'm fatigued," Hedes told me as we approached the monster par-five, 558-yard seventh tee, where Grier and Gettysburg Championship Pro-Am chairman Tom Dougherty joined our group for the final three holes.
The tee box sits atop a towering hill that overlooks the fairway, caressed between two intimidating lakes.
I hit my ball into the weeds that front the tee box.
"Here we go again," I said aloud.
Grier ripped into her ball hard, but it landed in the lake that borders the right side of the fairway.
After dropping my ball at the bottom of the hill, I proceeded to swing five times, lacing the white sphere in and out of the fairway's left rough.
Finally, I was able to wedge the ball onto the green where I two-putted for eight.
"I had some difficulty with that one," I told Hedes, wiping the sweat that drenched my face.
My playing partner chuckled.
"Difficulty?" Hedes replied. "You hit your ball a half dozen times and it only went 75 yards."
If we both weren't Elizabethtown College alum, I probably would have backhanded him.
At the par-four, 298-yard eighth hole, I introduced myself to Grier.
"The sun is taking its toll on me," I said.
Normally, she walks the entire 18 holes.
"In college," she said as the sun-filled sky continued to swell with sultry heat, "we'd walk 36 holes a day."
The eighth hole tee box is positioned behind a massive British Open-like grassy ditch, with a thick wooded area to the left of the fairway, which bends dogleg left. To club your ball to the fairway, you need to slam it a good 200 yards.
All of my playing partners pulled heavy drivers from their bags. I pulled a five-wood from mine.
"You're going to need a stick a lot bigger than that," Hedes said, chastising me.
He hit his tee shot into the woods.
Dougherty also clubbed, not one, but two tee balls into the trees.
Grier cleared the grassy hazard, but her ball landed in the rough that straddles a right-side fairway bunker.
"Here goes nothing," I said as I positioned myself aside my tee.
I was shocked.
My ball also cleared the gully, as well as the tight fairway, landing in the bunker near Grier's ball.
"A bigger club, huh?" I asked Hedes.
He ignored my retort.
As we walked to our balls, I pondered aloud how in the world I was going to hit my ball, which was buried deep in the sandy beach, a good 80 yards from the green.
"Just hit it like you would with a normal swing," suggested Grier. "And hit it hard."
I swung, connected, and spanked it within 20 yards of the green.
Grier fist-pumped me, and then drilled hers out of the rough and onto the green, within six feet of the cup.
After chipping, I two-putted for bogey.
Elated, I shook every hand that was in my vicinity.
"Should I be this happy after a bogey?" I asked Dougherty.
He replied: "Heck yes. Especially here."
Our final battle was the par-four 363-yard ninth hole, home to a tee box that faces a challenging uphill fairway.
I hit my best tee shot of the day, hammering the ball straight and center more than 200 yards.
"Now go get a par," Grier said.
I tried, but the fast greens resulted in a two-put double bogey. My scorecard, at the conclusion of the front nine, totaled 59.
"You really need to keep your composure when you're at this course," Grier said. "This will bring out the best scores from the best players."
She's right.
I butchered the course Monday. Next month, twelve dozen of the sport's finest women will master the Links.
I can't wait for the FUTURES.
Scot Pitzer is a Times news reporter.

Geronimo Gil

Gerónimo Gil (born August 7, 1975 in Oaxaca, Mexico) is a Major League catcher who played most recently for the Baltimore Orioles. He bats and throws right-handed.
Before the 2006 season, the Orioles placed Gil on waivers, which he cleared.

He has been playing for the Diablos Rojos del Mexico in Mexican League.
Gil is notable for having more career at-bats without a triple than any other active player, 681. In fact, he does not have any career triples.
Gil has thrown out 47 of 159 baserunners attempting to steal (29.6%).
He is married and has one child, Gerónimo, Jr., born in 1999.
On March 29, 2006, Gil was released by the Orioles, although the team has held open the possibility of bringing him back.

"Orioles place Mora on DL, recall Knott"

The Orioles announced that they have placed 3B Melvin Mora on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to July 13, with a left mid-foot sprain.

To take his place on the roster, the Orioles have recalled OF Jon Knott from AAA Norfolk.
Mora originally suffered the injury on July 1 and had a recurrence during Thursday's game vs. Chicago.

He has batted ,265 with 12 homers and 41 RBI in 79 games this season.
Knott has played in 3 games on two earlier stints with the Orioles this season, batting .500 (3-6) with a homer and 3 RBI. At Norfolk, he has batted .231 with 8 homers and 23 RBI in 54 games.

today's Bill Clinton quote of the day

"It depends upon what the meaning of the word is means. If is means is, and never has been, that's one thing. If it means, there is none, that was a completely true statement."

On Thinking

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you. - Don Marquis

today's Dick Cheney quote of the day

"People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?"

"FUN" - this is what I do on weekends

I'm the one in the middle, with the dorky light blue hat.

GETTYSBURG TIMES: Reporter's Notebook 07/14/07

A year-and-a-half ago, I misplaced my pal’s keys at a wedding reception.
What had been a magical day of love evolved into mass chaos as a search party hunted for my buddy’s vanished belongings.
For two hours, a dozen individuals searched for the keys, but to no avail.Appallingly, they were in my pocket the entire time.
And I had no idea.Slightly more than 18 months later, I gave a Best Man toast Saturday evening to that same chap and his bride.
The toast was truly one of the biggest privileges — and honors — of my young life (aside from occupying a cubicle adjacent to Pat Nevada).
Standing with the bride and groom Saturday night in suburban Pittsburgh, I looked into their collective eyes.
“You’re not only the best friends that anyone could ask for, but I also consider you both an inspiration,” I told the happy couple. “Personally, I know that I’m a better person just for having both of you in my life.”
Glasses lifted.
“To Andy and Crystal — the vows you declared earlier today are a binding promise of united commitment, eternal hope, and unconditional love,” I continued. “For the last 25 years of your lives, you have been two. Now, you are one. As the light of matrimony brightens your world and as your lifelong partnership solidifies as the years go by, may your unity be filled with infinite happiness, absent of misfortune, and guided by the love of God everyday.”
I think the groom and I are over the key debacle.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

Have you ever seen anything like this?

It was the bride's idea.

GETTYSBURG TIMES (07/11/07): "Power Outage Snarls Afternoon Commute in Gettysburg Area"

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER & RICK FULTON
Times Staff Writers

A rush-hour power outage in Gettysburg and surrounding areas contributed to a chaotic half-hour commute for drivers between 4:45-5:45 p.m. yesterday.
Traffic signals were inoperable for a portion of the late afternoon Gettysburg commute, angering trapped motorists.
To compound matters, smoke from an emergency electric generator at the Adams County Courthouse was mistaken for an electrical fire, leading to a section of Baltimore Street being closed for emergency vehicles.
Met-Ed spokesman Ernie Waters told the Times that the outages were the result of a routine maintenance blunder at a substation.
“The outage was all precipitated by a contractor doing something that was a mistake,” Waters said via phone Tuesday evening.
When crews addressed the initial outage, another electrical botch occurred.
“We had contractors doing preventive maintenance work in one of the substations, and one of those contractors inadvertently caused some problems,” Waters said.
Met-Ed officials did not disclose the contractor or substation responsible for the power outage.
The first outage began around 4:45 p.m., and power was restored, Waters said, within a half-hour.
But the misadventure became increasingly more complicated.
“In the process of restoring that power, a switch was thrown that started another outage,” Waters explained.
Electrical power was completely restored, in all areas, by 6 p.m.
Officials confirmed that the smoke reported alongside the Courthouse was not related to any fire, but was merely the exhaust produced by the emergency power supply.
County maintenance director George Groft said the generator had kicked-on as a result of the area power outage, and was not the cause of it.
Met-Ed reported that between 5,000 and 10,000 Gettysburg customers had suffered a black-out during the 30 minute power outage, as well as about 500 customers in the Biglerville area.
Outages involving 500 customers up to 2,000 were reported in scattered locations in York County as well.

On Dependable Uniformity

(Click on image to Enlarge)

matrimony: the Etown gang

Saturday, July 7, 2007.

On Drunkenness

On the Job

On Contrariness

Never argue with anyone dumber than you.

On Pulling Together

On Business

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

On Happiness