self explanatory

Bad Timing

I'm in Louisville, Ky today and tomorrow but I won't be here next weekend.

Quote

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-- John Benfield

Woof

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

The Cowboy and The Yuppie

=========================

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly

a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban

sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the

cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have

in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at

his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why

not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,

connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to

get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another

NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution

photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop

and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,

Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot

that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected

Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads

all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few

minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-

tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the

cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"

says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the

animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the

trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you

exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct,"

says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up

here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an

answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you

don't know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my DOG."

I thought this was cool!

Okay, so did you ever wonder how the heck plants knew they needed to grow taller? Seriously, haven't you ever wondered why some plants grow until they hit sunlight and then bearly grow at all until they are overshadowed by another plant... at which time the shoot up until they are the tallest again? Trees in particular do this.

Well, it all has to do with a molecule called a cytochrome. This molecule is "C" shaped. But when its bombarded with photons (light energy in packet form) the center bond of the molecule absorbs the energy and twists so that the molecule is "S" shaped. When the molecule is "S" shaped the metabolism of the plant shifts from growing to storing, so it starts storing up sugars. But when the plant is overshadowed by another plant, there isn't enough energy to keep the molecule in the "S" shape, so it returns to the "C" shape, which then binds to certain proteins, setting off a cascade of changes and the plant starts growing taller again!

Exciting? I KNOW!

The Boss means business!

Buddy Groom to the rescue!

Nerd Research Contest

The history of the software industry is filled with acronyms. One popular acronym component is "Yet Another". YACC is a Unix acronym for "Yet Another Compiler-Compiler". YAHOO is a world wide web acronym for "Yet Another Hierarchically Officious Oracle".

I've given the two easy ones. Can you find anymore?

Saw Update

A penny saved is a penny to squander.

A man is known by the company that he organizes.

A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

Better late than before anybody has invited you.

Example is better than following it.

Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

Least said is soonest disavowed.

He laughs best who laughs least.

Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.

Of two evils choose to be the least.

Strike while your employer has a big contract.

Where there's a will there's a won't.

Some humor for the day

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are ! squealing and coming toward him fster and faster.

Concern, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French.

I am now, officially, an award winning journalist

Some good news for you folks,

Two Fridays ago, I was named the "Gettysburg Times Employee of the Quarter."

Not sure what I did to earn the recognition. Guess I'll find out.

the perks: Get my own parking spot for three months, a golfing jacket, a bonus, a trophy, a plaque, and an inivation to the Board of Directors Dinner in May.

why it's ironic: I interviewed for a job at WHP in harrisburg a week before this happened.

~ SCOT ~

I Am Diggin This City Life!

I got my own cable, and watch every single Oriole game in 2005!

Sure beats the times when I could only watch games on WJZ.

my "Opening Day" experience

greetings Free Advice gang,

as you all know, i was scheduled to join local media from the Pa. midstate and Md. area for Opening Day 2005 at Camden Yards.

however, the day got off to a bad start when i was called at 8:30 a.m. and told our credentials hadn't come in the mail. after a few calls, we learned (THE DAY OF THE FREAKIN GAME) that credentials aren't given to "small papers", and that "small papers" have to apply for credentials on a game-by-game basis.

As a result, we didn't go.

Amazing that on the four forms we had to fill out (beginning as early as January) to get credentials, not one of them said "small papers" had to apply for credentials on a game-by-game basis.

I do not have high regards for the Oriole front office at this point (considering that we talked to TEN different that morning, none of whom relayed the message of what we were calling about onto each other).

Oh well.

Later crew,

Pitz

O's update

Given the O's series with the Yanks this past weekend, it appears that Ray does have it figured out for 12 and even 7. Apparently, he's still scratching his head about 5.

O's Bomb Bronxers

Tis true. The O's came up big in their 1st matchup of the season with the Yankees, knocking the Yankees into a tie for last place in the AL East.

O's win one

and are on the same pace as last year getting a win by the starter in the first game of the season. The 2nd win came on 4/16 last year, so let's see if they can get to 2 faster this year.

Go O's

vibronically

Yeah... its a real word. Although Webster's may not agree.

Who is the first baseball player suspended for Steroids?

Your answer right here. This may be a good trivia question in a few years.

Play Ball!

Hey!

Your shoe is untied.