"Cover your mouth!"

This picture was taken in order to study sneezing's effects on aerosolizing microbials (a few decades ago) and presented in my recent pulmonology lecture. Highly specific and directional light sources were used to visualize how much crap was actually flying out of this guy!!!

GROSS!

On Hunting

Got toilet paper?

On the Steelers

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan is drinking in a Cleveland bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Pittsburgh baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Steelers fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Pittsburgh baby boy. He's gonna be a Pittsburgh Steelers football player ."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Pittsburgh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

how to beat Michigan: did the PSU coaching staff not watch the Appalachian State or Oregon games?

The blueprint for beating Michigan - running a spread offense and throwing the ball downfield - was obviously clear to everyone except the PSU coaching staff.

Oregon and a Division I-double A school hung 40 points a piece on the mighty Wolverines.

Naturally, PSU manages three field goals.

Pathetic.

i am sitting here watching the Penn State & Michigan game...

...and honestly, watching Penn State's offense is as exciting as watching paint dry.

Seriously.

This offense might be even more inept than the Orioles lineup.

On Meteorology

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULD NOT TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

Reporters Notebook (gburg times: 092207): "Bermudian"

I was talking football with my Uncle Jeff at a recent family picnic, particularly about a Penn State running back who is now in the pros.
“He’s got natural talent,” I recall Uncle Jeff saying. “One of the best athletes I’ve ever seen. He leaves it all on the field.”
My response was naturally clever.
“Kinda like me when I was in school,” I said.
Across the picnic table, Aunt Connie blew me kisses.
Beside me, Aunt Sharon rolled her eyes.
Coincidentally, she’s a Bermudian graduate.
(I love her anyway, though.)
~ Scot Andrew Pitzer

On Hell

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..., leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

- University of Washington chemistry student

today's Al Gore quote of the day

"I won't take all of the credit, but I did invent the Internet." - Al Gore, April 1999.

On Stupid Questions

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- Scott Adams

On Management

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.
- Casey Stengel

On Fear

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
- Ronald Reagan

On College Football

Through the first 2 games of the season, the Notre Dame defensive unit has scored more points (7) than the Notre Dame offensive unit (3).

Through the first 2 games of the season, the Penn State offensive unit has surrendered more points (7) than the Penn State defensive unit (3).

31-10 -- Typical Day in Happy Valley

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times: 090807): "Major Upset at Holiday Wiffleball Bash"

Hear about the weekend’s big upset?

No, not Appalachian State’s shocking defeat of Michigan.

I’m talking about the Aunts & Uncles squad’s stunning conquer of the Nieces & Nephews team during Monday afternoon’s Holiday Wiffleball Bash at Mentzer Stadium.

“Unbelievable,” Uncle Stan said during the post-game handshake, immediately following his team’s thrilling 11-10 come from behind win.

The game featured what wiffleball pundits would call “a little bit of everything” — controversy, close calls, a grand slam, baserunning blunders, defensive lapses, and frames where at least a half-dozen runs were scored. (And believe it or not, all of that happened in the top of the first!)

Desperate for their first win in three years, the Aunts & Uncles turned to veteran right-hander Uncle Jeff, while the Nieces & Nephews put their trust in the dependable arm of Jamie Lynn Pitzer, making her first start at Mentzer Stadium since last Labor Day.

Pitzer was a tad rusty, as Uncle Jeff took the first pitch thrown from her hand deep over the vehicle-lined left field fence for a homerun. Several batters later, my Dad crushed a grand slam, giving the Aunts & Uncles a seemingly insurmountable 6-0 lead.

But the Nieces & Nephews rallied.

Missing the services of longtime firstbaseman Meagan Sterner due to sickness, and utility infielder Shelley Sterner (who had just gotten her nails done), the Nieces & Nephews were led by the young likes of fifth-grader Kaila May, nine-year-old Stephen Mentzer, sixth-grader Marty May, and middle-schooler Ryan Mentzer. Kaila May’s double to deep centerfield in the middle innings knotted the score at six, bringing the capacity crowd of Grandma and several aunts to their feet.

With the Nieces & Nephews clinging to a 10-8 lead in the bottom of the last inning, the Aunts & Uncles — aided by a controversial play at the plate — scored three runs for a walkoff victory, capped by Uncle Stan’s single up the middle scoring Uncle Dan.

“That was my only hit in five at-bats,” Uncle Stan told the Gettysburg Times. “We just wanted it more.”

Uncle Jeff added: “We were the only ones in the whole stadium who actually thought we could win this game. We believed.”

Believe it: Aunts & Uncles win 11-10.

(Tickets are already on-sale for next year.)

~ Scot Andrew Pitzer

For the Ladies

1. It is important to find a man that has a job and helps you around the house.
2. It is important to find a man that makes you laugh
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man that loves you and spoils you.
5. It is most important that these 4 men do not know each other.

On Practical Jokes

"Hey! You guys ever seen this trick? When someone's sleeping you can take a glass of warm water and you put their hand in it, and then you pee on them."

- Eric Cartman

Gettysburg Times: "Canner comeback falls short"

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER
Times Staff Writer

Mount Carmel: 47
Biglerville: 20

Dreams of an upset bid were alive and well Friday night at Musselman Stadium, where the Biglerville Canner football team found itself within 14 points of the visiting Mount Carmel Red Tornadoes — the winningest program in Pennsylvania high school football history — midway through the fourth quarter.
But the Canners, determined to gain respect following five straight losing seasons, were unable to contain Mount Carmel senior tailback James Haynes, whose 252 all-purpose yards and four touchdowns led the Red Tornadoes to a 47-20 victory.
“We knew they had potential because they have some good athletes,” Mount Carmel head coach Mike Brennan said during his post-game press chat.
The final score was somewhat deceiving — with Mount Carmel’s third-string defense on the field during the game’s waning moments, freshman Nik Gratti scooped a bad snap by Biglerville, and returned the pigskin 69 yards for a Tornado touchdown as time expired.
Brennan touted the non-stop effort of the Biglerville offense, fueled by the strong arm of quarterback Kyle Whitmoyer. The senior was 13-35 for 221 yards and two touchdowns, also running 13 yards for a score in the second half.
“They threw some things at us that no other team we play is going to do, and that’s fine because it makes us work and keep playing hard,” Brennan said following his program’s 760th career victory . “That’s what you want in an opener, and overall, I thought we played well.”
Mount Carmel opened the evening’s scoring with just under six minutes to play in the first quarter, when Haynes ran for his first touchdown of the game, a seven-yard carry.
Haynes gave his Coal Region squad a 14-0 lead with 4:44 remaining in the first half, taking a hand-off from Tornado quarterback Marcus Wasilewski and sprinting 14 yards to the endzone.
The Red Tornadoes opened the scoring in the second half via a swift 59-yard touchdown run by Haynes, who tallied 167 yards rushing.
“Our guys really came off the ball and blocked, and I was able to read those blocks,” Haynes said.
Facing a seemingly insurmountable 21-0 lead, the Canners mounted a comeback. With 11:08 left to play in the third quarter, Whitmoyer capped a long Biglerville drive by finding pay-dirt on a 13-yard run. The extra point attempt was muffed, but Whitmoyer’s score woke the home crowd.
The black and gold faithful were hushed quickly, as Haynes returned the ensuring kickoff 85 yards for a touchdown, padding Mount Carmel’s lead which, after the extra point, stood at 28-6.
“That was huge,” Brennan said. “It’s been a while since we’ve had a player who can go 75 yards for a score, but this year we have that player in James.”
Biglerville refused to quit though.
Later in the third quarter, Whitmoyer combined with Mike Wagner on a 33-yard scoring pass, cutting the lead to 28-12. With the Canners needing a defensive stop, the Red Tornadoes turned to a different offensive weapon — ball carrier Julius Demetrius.
The result was much of the same.
Demetrius led the visitors to a fourth quarter score on a 17-yard run, padding Mount Carmel’s lead to 34-12.
Later that quarter, Canner receiver Parker Showers kept hopes of a Biglerville comeback alive when he caught a 4-yard pass from Whitmoyer. A two-point conversion brought the Canners to within 14 points, 34-20, but that was as close as the home team could cut the gap.
Mount Carmel put the game out of reach with under four minutes to play on a 14-yard run by senior running back Justin Pellowski.
Gratti’s long fumble return as time expired punctuated the scoring.
When the clock struck 00:00 in Canner County, the Red Tornadoes had tallied 246 total rushing yards, too much for the Canners to handle.
“I thought we took control and did a good job of keeping control, even though it got a little sloppy in the second half,” Brennan said.
Biglerville (0-1) seeks its first win Friday night in a home game against York Catholic. Republican & Herald sports writer Doyle Dietz contributed to this report.
Mount Carmel 7 7 14 19 — 47
Biglerville 0 0 12 8 — 20
First quarter
MC-James Haynes 7-run, 5:52 (Marcus Wasilewski kick good)
Second quarter
MC-Haynes, 14-run, 4:44 (Wasilewski kick good)
Third quarter
MC-Haynes, 59-run, 11:43 (Wasilewski kick good)
Big-Kyle Whitmoyer, 13-run, 11:08 (kick failed)
MC-Haynes, 85-kick-off return, 10:59 (Wasilewski kick good)
Big-Mike Wagner, 33-pass from Whitmoyer, 2:18 (pass failed)
Fourth Quarter
MC-Julius Demetrius, 17-run (kick failed)
Big-Parker Showers, 3-pass from Whitmoyer, 8:44 (Whitmoyer run)
MC-Justin Pellowski 13-run, 3:40 (Demko kick)
MC-Nik Gratti, 69 fumble return (no attempt)
TEAM STATISTICS
MC Big
First downs 16 14
Rushes-yards 45-246 23-127
Passes 9-17-1 13-35-0
Passing yards 123 222
Fumbles-lost 2-0 3-2
INDIVIDUAL STATISTICS
Rushing:
Mount Carmel – Haynes 14-167, DeMarco 11-35, DeMetrius 9-28, Pellowski 3-17, Hepler 3-10, Kisela 1-4, Stewart 1-0, Wasilewski 3-(-15).
Biglerville – Taughinbaugh 6-44, McMaster 6-33, Whitmoyer 7-24, Foster 3-23, Lieberum 1-3.
Passing:
Mount Carmel – Wasilewski 9-17-1—123
Biglerville – Whitmoyer 13-35-0—222
Receiving:
Mount Carmel – Moroz 4-53, DeMarco 2-22, Kovaleski 1-31, Menapace 1-10, McCracken 1-7.
Biglerville – Taughinbaugh 7-126, Wagner 3-63, Liberum 2-29, Showers 1-4.
INTERCEPTIONS:
Biglerville – Liebrum.