On Navigating Toll Booths

On Vacuum Cleaners

Vacuum cleaners suck, even when they don't.

On Beauty (Redux II)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy

today's memorable Dick Cheney quote

"I enjoy hunting. I don't know if my hunting partners do..."

Alberto Castillo

Baltimore's backup catcher launched a huge jippy-jack Thursday night in San Diego.

Gettysburg Times: "Motorist spills hot coffee on lap, causes mishap"

published: 06/22/07

BY RICK FULTON
Times Staff Writer

A New Oxford resident suffered facial and neck injuries in an early Thursday morning one-car accident caused, the victim allegedly told police, by a wayward cup of coffee.
State police said Jerry L. Groft, Jr. was traveling west-bound on Lincolnway East when he lost control of the vehicle he was driving and collided with a parked car belonging to Joshua Brown, 224 Lincolnway East.
The force of collision then pushed Brown’s parked car into the front porch of Paul Sipling’s residence at 222 Lincolnway East.According to the report report, Groft stated the accident occurred after he “spilled his cup of coffee over his lap.”
Groft, who was subsequently transported to the Hanover Hospital by New Oxford Ambulance.
Both vehicles involved in the accident had to be towed from the scene.

WINNING STREAK: "O's win two in a row"

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/baseball/bal-sp.orioles22jun22,0,6497537.story?coll=bal-sports-headlines

Orioles 6, Padres 3
Orioles salve wounds with 2nd win in row
By Roch Kubatko
sun reporter
Originally published June 22, 2007
SAN DIEGO // A series win shouldn't be this complicated, especially when it comes on the road against the team with the best record in the National League.But when does anything go according to plan for the Orioles?

They lost a managerial candidate yesterday when Joe Girardi turned down their offer.

They lost their starting shortstop after one at-bat.

They lost their starting pitcher after six innings and perhaps for much longer.

A 6-3 victory over the San Diego Padres at Petco Park might have seemed misplaced on such a day, but the Orioles needed to know that the world wasn't ganging up on them, that at least one aspect of their baseball lives could go right for a change.

So they dismissed Girardi as easily as he dismissed them, with one prominent veteran saying, "I like the guy we've got. I want him to stay all year," a reference to interim manager Dave Trembley.

They excused shortstop Miguel Tejada's cameo appearance as long as it doesn't become routine, which became unlikely when it was revealed last night that he'd suffered a wrist fracture.

And they downplayed Erik Bedard's hamstring injury, treating it like a case of the sniffles.

"It's all part of the game," Trembley said. "It's a sidebar. There's the story of the game and then there's the other story within the game."

Those are two pretty big names for the Baltimore Orioles and two pretty big parts of this baseball team, but I don't think this detracts at all from what happened in the nine innings and the club winning two of three."

Tejada was playing with a bad left wrist that only allowed him to bunt in the first inning, as the No. 2 hitter, before leaving for a pinch runner, and Bedard strain

ed his left hamstring while throwing a pitch in the sixth, also ending his day prematurely.

But there's no denying that the Orioles got healthy in San Diego.

Not only did their nine-game losing streak end here, they also won two straight before making the short flight to Phoenix.

They're now 10 games below .500 and inching closer to fourth place.

"These last couple games are a long time coming for us," said outfielder Jay Payton, who went 2-for-4 with a run scored. "We weren't going to keep playing the way we were playing. We knew we were a better team than that."

Backup catcher Alberto Castillo had a sacrifice fly in the fourth inning that tied the game at 1 and a home run in the sixth off left-hander David Wells that gave the Orioles a 3-1 lead.

Castillo hadn't homered since April 19, 2005.

He slammed a ball off the Western Metal Supply Co. warehouse in left field, where a yellow stripe runs down a corner of the building to simulate the foul pole.

"I used to catch Boomer with the [Toronto] Blue Jays, and when I came up that last at-bat, I said, 'You keep throwing me those breaking balls, I'm hitting one out of here.' And look what happened," Castillo said, smiling. "He's probably [ticked] off. But he's a great guy."

Bedard (5-4), who won for the second time since April 18, allowed a run in the bottom of the sixth and left after 79 pitches.

He struck out nine and didn't issue a walk.

"I did not take Bedard out of the game because of any significant strategy," Trembley said. "Bedard's hamstring got tight. It didn't feel comfortable and we went with the side of caution and took him out."

Asked if Bedard could go on the disabled list, Trembley said, "I don't believe so at this time, but my background is baseball skills, it's not medical. I'd think in about 24 hours we'll have more information."

Chris Gomez, who replaced Tejada at shortstop in the bottom of the first inning, had a two-run double in the eighth. Gomez was supposed to start at second base, with Brian Roberts having the day off, before Tejada's swollen wrist altered the lineup.

Roberts started at second and reached base four times. Tejada bunted in the first inning and left the game.

"It's hard to see the big man on the team go down," Castillo said. "You don't want to see that happen, but it's part of the game."

The Orioles will continue to play through every distraction and every disappointment.

It's the only way they know.

And sometimes, as they found out the past two games, they get rewarded.

"It's a great 'W' for everybody, even you guys [reporters]," Castillo said. "It's a good day for me, for the team, for the organization and even for the manager. We all did a good job today."•

On Cell Phones

Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you. The number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.

I did not try this one.

Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

I did not try this one.

Activate Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

I tried this one and it did not work.

How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

Entering the code *#06# produced a 15 digit number on my cell phone.

Free 411 calls

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all.

This worked.

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times 06/30/07) - "Walmart"

Apparently, the local WalMart is a weekend gathering ground for Upper Adams residents.
A couple of weekends ago, on a Friday evening after work, I traversed to the Route 30 facility to purchase picnic supplies.
Upon entering the building, I ran into an old high school flame.
“Fancy seeing you here,” she said, half astonished to see me.
She then asked me what I do for a living.
“Nothing,” I replied.
As I wormed my way through the store, I ran into my great aunt and uncle.
“What in the world are you doing here on a Friday night?” I asked.
They had just eaten a hearty meal at Hoss’s, and came down to WalMart to “walk it off.”
While in the Express Line, a hand patted my shoulder from behind.
Guess who? A woman who claimed to be one of my Menallen Township neighbors.
“We didn’t get our paper yesterday,” she said.
OK, I’ll handle it.
Walking back to my car in the parking lot, I paused to chat with two family friends: an area law enforcement officer and his wife.
For 20 minutes, we talked about politics, government, television, etc., and basically solved all of the world’s problems.
A van — punctuated by horn honking — pulled alongside our parking lot conversation.
Inside were two of my great aunts.
“What brings you here this evening?” I asked.
Their reply?
“It’s Walmart,” one of the ladies said. “It’s where everyone goes on a Friday night.”
Indeed.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

report: "Girardi turns down O's

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/baseball/bal-girardi0621,0,5211886.story?coll=bal-sports-headlines

Girardi turns down Orioles
Source: Ex-Marlins skipper declines offer to become team's next manager
By Jeff Zrebiec
Sun reporter

Originally published June 21, 2007, 2:27 PM EDT

SAN DIEGO // Joe Girardi, the Orioles' top choice to replace the fired Sam Perlozzo, turned down the team's offer to be their next manager, a baseball source confirmed this afternoon.

The story was first reported by ESPN.com, which got confirmation from Girardi's agent, Steve Mandel. Mandel hasn't returned calls from The Sun today.

Girardi was offered the job on Wednesday night, a day after an Orioles contingent, led by new president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail, interviewed him in Chicago.

Girardi described the interview as "good and productive" on Monday and maintained that he was interested in the opportunity.

However, he told FoxSports.com today that "at this point in time, it's not right for me and my family."

"It's a great organization. There's a great history. It's a great sports town," Girardi told FoxSports.com. "I was very impressed with Andy MacPhail and their front office. But at this time, it's not just right."

Girardi told FoxSports.com that money didn't factor in his decision to turn down the job.

"That's not true," he said. "I can tell you that."

The Orioles haven't interviewed any other candidates and it's unclear at this point what direction they will go. Davey Johnson remains one of the candidates and he said earlier this week that he'd certainly listen if the Orioles called about the opening.

According to one baseball source, Dusty Baker is not interested in the job because he'd prefer to manage a West Coast team.

Dave Trembley is currently serving as the Orioles' interim manager.

"I'm not following the situation because I'm not privileged to what's going on," Trembley said. "As I said the first day, it's really not my business. If Joe Girardi doesn't want to manage the Baltimore Orioles, there is somebody else that does."

On Blonde Jokes

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

On Capers

Gettysburg Times - Reporter's Notebook (06/23/07): "Brotherly Love"

The waitress brought us our $13.45 bill, and my sister calmly pulled a debit card from her purse.
I lectured her.
“You need to start carrying cash,” I told Jamie Lynn, a teenager who recently completed her first semester at Kutztown University.
She looked at me shell-shocked.
“Never get in the habit of using your debit card all the time,” I continued. “You should only be using it at the pumps, to pay for expensive gasoline. Not for a $13 lunch bill.”
Jamie shook her head up and down, indicating that she understood.
Lesson learned.
So we walk up to the restaurant’s front counter, and I hand the cashier my bill.
The cashier says: “Thirteen dollars and 45 cents please.”
I open up my wallet. Two musty dollars.
Subsequently, I pulled out my debit card.
“This is embarrassing,” I told the cashier.
My sister nudged me in the ribcage. Hard.
“Nice lecture, Scottie,” she said, her remarks dripping with sarcasm.
Lesson learned.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

On Something...or Nothing

There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry. - Martin Gardner

On Describing Dad

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

report: Perlozzo ousted.

I hope these wholesale changes down in Baltimore don't affect our one particular friend.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/baseball/bal-perlozzo618,0,4533642.story?coll=bal-sports-headlines

Source: O's fire Perlozzo
Trembley named interim manager; report: MacPhail hired as COO
By Jeff Zrebiec and Dan Connolly
Originally published June 18, 2007, 10:57 AM EDT

Sam Perlozzo was fired as manager of the Orioles this morning, according to a club source.Perlozzo, 56, a Cumberland native who called managing the Orioles his dream job, will be removed about 2 1/2 months into his second full season leading the club.

The team is set to leave this afternoon for a six-game West Coast trip that starts tomorrow night in San Diego. Bullpen coach Dave Trembley, a longtime minor league skipper who has occasionally subbed for bench coach Tom Trebelhorn this season, has been named interim manager while club executives begin the search for a long-term replacement.

In addition, ESPN's Buster Olney is reporting that the club has hired Andy MacPhail, former Chicago Cubs president, as the Orioles' chief operating officer, presumably replacing Joe Foss, who left the Orioles earlier this season. And, according to Olney, they are attempting to set up a meeting with former Florida Marlins manager Joe Girardi to replace Perlozzo.

The Orioles, who are currently in last place in the American League East with a 29-40 record and in the midst of an eight-game losing streak, are expected to announce changes this afternoon.

Trembley becomes the club's sixth manager since 1997. Including interims, only the Toronto Blue Jays (who have had seven) have had more managerial flux in the past 10 years.Perlozzo, who was signed through 2008, becomes the second consecutive Orioles manager to be fired in the middle of a contract.

Lee Mazzilli was fired in August 2005.

There apparently is no timetable for the hiring of a long-time manager but Davey Johnson, the last skipper to guide the Orioles to a winning season, and Girardi, the National League Manager of the Year last season for the Marlins who was fired after a dispute with ownership, were atop of the front office's wish list of potential replacements, according to club sources.

Perlozzo was let go after compiling a 122-164 record since becoming the interim manager of the club after Mazzilli's firing. Perlozzo had the interim tag removed before the 2006 season and directed the Orioles to a 70-92 and fourth-place finish in the A.L. East last year.

Late in the 2006 season, there was an organizational debate if Perlozzo should return, but club owner Peter Angelos felt he should be given another shot with a more talented roster. Angelos authorized the spending of approximately $80 million this offseason to overhaul the bullpen, add depth to the lineup with Aubrey Huff and Jay Payton, and acquire veteran pitchers Jaret Wright and Steve Trachsel. But Wright made just three starts and is expected to miss most of the season with shoulder problems, joining two other projected members of the rotation on the disabled list.

Huff, the highest-priced free agent addition, has not proved to be the middle-of-the-order threat the Orioles were seeking, and the revamped bullpen, most notably Danys Baez, has faltered. The 2007 Orioles have been terribly inconsistent with three separate four-game winning streaks and a six-game winning streak, but also two five-game losing skids and the current eight-game stretch that ultimately led to Perlozzo's ouster.

Sloppy play and mental mistakes have contributed to several of their close losses and hasn't reflected well on Perlozzo, who had lost the confidence of several key members of the organization, including Angelos, because of his in-game decision-making, according to club sources.Perlozzo's job security became a hot button issue following the Orioles' 6-5 loss to the Boston Red Sox on May 13.

In that game, Perlozzo removed starting pitcher Jeremy Guthrie just two outs shy of a complete game and saw Baez and Chris Ray, the supposed backbones of the bullpen, cough up the lead. Guthrie had thrown 91 pitches and was pulled from the game after catcher Ramon Hernandez dropped an infield pop-up.

Talk of Perlozzo's job security cooled late last month as the Orioles ran off six straight wins, but the club has fallen on hard times since, with each close loss seemingly pushing Perlozzo further and further out of favor with the organization and its fan base. During the nine-game home stand, which ended with a loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks on Sunday that dropped the Orioles 1-8 during the stretch, Perlozzo was booed several times when he came out of the dugout to make a pitching change.His handling of his pitching staff was one factor that led to his dismissal, though team sources said that the Orioles' front office felt that the manager had also lost the clubhouse.

This season alone, veterans Jay Gibbons and Kevin Millar had gone public with their frustration over their roles with the club, which they said Perlozzo didn't define. Third baseman Melvin Mora, the longest tenured Oriole, had also criticized Perlozzo late last month after he was angered that the manager didn't tell him the night before that he wouldn't be in the starting lineup that day.

Privately, other players had also let their complaints be known to upper management, said sources. When The Sun did a story on Perlozzo's job security last month, none of the team leaders, including Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts, Millar and Jamie Walker, stepped forward in support of their manager; instead declining to comment on his status.

Mora and center fielder Corey Patterson did finally back Perlozzo after Saturday's loss to the Diamondbacks.
"I don't want to be in the manager's shoes right now because it's kind of hard for him," said Mora. "He's doing everything he can do try to win some games. … I know Sam. He tried to put the best people out there, and nothing works out for us. There's nothing else he can do. He may have to [start] hitting and pitching." Said Patterson: "We have to find a way to come out and prepare ourselves everyday to win a game. I like Sam. He's always been fair to me. I respect him and he respects me."

Before he replaced Mazzilli, Perlozzo spent parts of 19 seasons as a major league coach with the New York Mets, Cincinnati Reds, Seattle Mariners and the Orioles. The move to promote him to the Orioles' manager was applauded at the time by players, who will now welcome the organization's seventh different manager in 13 seasons.Trembley, 55, has spent 22 years in professional baseball, including 20 as a minor league manager.

He had served the past four years as a manager in the Orioles' minor league system.

On Adages

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone". He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone Grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Which just goes to show, you can't kill two birds with one stone.

On Family

On Heaven

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe -- it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It 's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

On Practical Jokes

On Presidential Candidates

Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it.

- Conan O'Brien

On Death to Flying Things

Here is an old clip of Randy Johnson and the bird.

On Changing Lightbulbs

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.


How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

That light bulb's never getting changed

On Muscle Pulls

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner

On Medical Operations

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

On Winning the Big Game

The Baltimore Orioles defeated the Seattle Mariners 9-5 yesterday afternoon in Seattle to complete their longest road trip of the season at 5-5 and halt their most recent losing streak at 5 games after winning the previous 6. What a treat!

Daniel Cabrera (5-6, 4.71 ERA) notched the win for the O's. After a shaky start (1 run in the 1st, 3 in the 2nd), Cabrera settled in and pitched 8 innings allowing 7 hits and the 4 earned runs. Chris Ray finished up in the ninth surrendering what has become the O's bullpens' obligatory run (minimum per appearance).

After 60 games, the O's are 28-32. In 2006, they were 27-33. So, they really are better than last year!

Since declaring Danys Baez the only concern on the pitching staff, the O's embarked on a 6 game winning streak followed by a 5 game losing skid during which the bullpen puked all over the place. Oh well, I suppose I had that coming. I still expect the bullpen to get back on the beam. Strike One men, Strike One!

The Orioles are 23-4 when scoring 5 or more runs. They are 5-28 when scoring 4 or less including 0-11 when scoring exactly 4 runs. 0-11! @%&#@%&#@

The bullpen and offense both need to step up, however, the team as a whole has to figure out how to make 4 runs stand up.

On Big Games

As suspected, the Orioles have followed a 6 game winning streak with a (currently active) 5 game losing streak. Only once this season have the Orioles followed a winning streak (2 consecutive wins or more) with a losing streak of fewer games than the winning streak.

The O's have also only once executed a non-losing road trip this season. It was a 3 game trip to Tampa Bay where they took two, but I suppose it still counts.

The O's are 4-5 on the current road trip with one game left in Seattle. Win tonight's game and the O's will have both a winning streak as long or longer than the successive losing streak as well as a non-losing road trip.

It's an opportunity for the O's to demonstrate that the one occurrence of each of these achievements thus far this season were not flukes. This is as big a game as an O's fan has to look forward to.

On Hot Dogs

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is quickly coming upon us and there may be a new champ. The current champ Takeru "The Prince" Kobayashi has won the contest 6 years in a row having a best of 53 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes. The challenger, Joseph Christian "Jaws" Chestnut recently set a new world record on June 2 by downing 59 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes. The gauntlet has been thrown.

The Current Champ : The Challenger :

Here is a link of other noteworthy eating records.

Piney Apple Golf Course

http://www.golflink.com/golf-courses/golf-course.asp?course=13825

we need a big win tonight!

think Millar and the boys can right the feathery ship?

On Taxes

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

On Marriage

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

strategy

What do you suppose these two young Baltimore Oriole blossoming stars are discussing?

On Math

Somebody really wrote this:

"...children's early struggles with maths may be linked to the need to produce a precise number."

The author suggests that this burden can be relieved by removing the requirement to produce a precise number.

On perfect husbands

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

On Dying

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maugham