On Government Correspondence

Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Citizen DeVries Response:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

On Boredom

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

On Moon Phases

On this day, the moon is waxing gibbous.

On Dreams

Julio Franco is the last remaining man on a Major League Baseball 40 man roster who was born before I was. I can still make it to the big leagues. I am not too old.

Too lazy? Probably.

Not skilled enough? Certainly.

Too old?

Julio and I say, "Mente tu maneras, muchacho!"

On Recognizing Opportunity

"Yeah, listen, there's this pig farmer in upstate New York that wants you to play in his field."

- secretary for the band "Tommy James and the Shondells" advising Tommy James of an invitation to perform at the Woodstock music festival. They declined.

On Entertainment

Although I've yet to see the whole thing, I have seen several segments of a rock documentary called "Festival Express". Now I'm hoping to get a chance to see the whole thing. Several legendary rock n' rollers performing live, both onstage and offstage.

In addition to good music, it's also something of a time capsule for the pop music industry in 1970. Things are groovy, there are dudes and cats partyin' and jammin', there are protests , etc....

From the segments I've seen, the most memorable moments are those showing Jerry Garcia who, in 1970, had not yet been ravaged by drug abuse. In the documentary of Woodstock, you only get a brief glimpse of this Garcia. Here you get a full view.

On Sanity

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

On Optimism

A certain Orioles fan I know (I won't name him, but everyone calls him Pappy) is predicting 50 wins combined for the troika of O's young starting pitchers: Bedard, Cabrera and Loewen.

I predict 61 wins for the Orioles entire starting staff.

On Fixing stuff

Yesterday, I replaced the roller hardware on several sliding closet doors in my house. I also replaced the halogen bulbs in the headlights of my truck.

Fixing stuff can really suck when you don't know what you're doing.

On Presidential hopefuls

I find this candidate believable.

Broad Street Bullies...

are being bullied. It used to be, back in the day, that the Philadelphia Flyers would just pound a team into submission, but this year, they are not only an awful hockey team as far as talent goes, but they also can't win any fights. And the fights they do get in, they lose so badley that the player goes on the DL. The team needs to get better players or at the very least get better fighters.

EWWW! GROSS!

Did you know there are more free living bacteria cells on your skin, in your nose and mouth, and in your colon than their are cells in your entire body??? I know, it's pretty freakin' gross. There are about a trillion bacteria in your mouth alone, and thats the estimate of someone with decent dental hygiene!!! The circular bacteria shown are cocci, the elongated bacteria are bacilli, and the cork screw bacteria are called spirilla. The cocci S.O.B.s are what cause streph throat and staph infections!!!

On Success...

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? - Kin Hubbard

Losing....

to the O's will drive a man to drink. The St. Louis Cardinals lost to the O's yesterday in a spring training game and this morning, Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa was pulled over for DUI.

On Tax Revenue Distribution Reform

Many employees are required to pass a urine test as a term of employment. These employees pay taxes. The government distributes the tax revenue as it deems fit.

Is it reasonable to require one to pass a urine test to receive this money?

On covetous desires

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. - Quentin Crisp

On Nostalgia

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. - Evan Davis

On the Mysteries of Life

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

On Swimming

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Apparently....

I'm not alone in my disapproval of the Democrats.

On Environmentalism

Pen and Teller having some fun with the Environmental movement.

Just a few years ago, "The Man Show" pulled this same gag, soliciting signatures for a petition demanding an end to "Womens' Suffrage". That petition also garnered quite a few signatures.

A few reasons the democrats piss me off

On Technology

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. - Mitch Hedberg

On Making the best of it

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, who was a local farmer and had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could".

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it tt-to y-y-you??"

On Quantum Weirdness

Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment devised by Erwin Shrodinger as a result of debates with Albert Einstein over the Copenhagen interpretation, which Schrodinger defended and Einstein rejected. This interpretation basically states that if a cat could be isolated (i.e. placed in a box) from external interference, the state of the cat (dead or alive) can only be known as a combination of possible rest states, because determining the actual state of the cat cannot be done without the observer interfering with the experiment (i.e. entangling the cat with the observer).


The state of this cat is "Free".

Last Gasp of Winter?

On Value

I'm posting this blog entry from the Eastern Illinois Regional Airport in Bloomington-Normal, Illinois.

WiFi Internet access is free.

Coffee costs $1.

Good news for O's fans

The O's have signed Brian Roberts through 2009 adding one more of the key players on the O's roster to be on board thru 2009. Roberts (in addition to several of last seasons' "key signings") repeated the mantra that he's where he wants to be; he wants to be in Baltimore when they bring a winner home to a great baseball town.

I hope he means it. I hope they all mean it. But really, I just hope they make it happen.

On Early Politics

How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp?

One, and that person shall be President Andrew Jackson, hero of the Battle of New Orleans and Friend to the Common Man!

On Divorce

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat on the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Spring has Sprung

Some nice photos from Spring Training in Ft. Lauderdale.

Riddle

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

On Politics

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

On Happiness

On Marriage

How can you tell if two people are married?

You may have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Spring Omen?

I met a Phillies fan last night at a local watering hole who was sky high on the Phillies prospects this year because of the "6 great starting pitchers" in spring camp. He advised that he was hoping the Phillies would deal for either Curt Schilling or Randy Johnson to be the Phillies closer.

After telling him I was an Orioles fan, he told me he was sorry for me. He declared the Orioles were looking at another losing season because they had "let Sosa go".

On Hunting

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

On Friendship