On Retirement (Part two)

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Some perspective...

Your kidneys filter 180 L of fluid per day.... thats 45 gallons of fluid per day.
However, they manage to recover all but 1.5 L of fluid (urine) per day.... about 1/3 of a gallon.
That means they are filtering 65,700 L of fluid per year... about 16,425 gallons per year.
Yet, only 137 gallons per year come out as urine.
In a life time the average set of male kidneys will have processed 1.2 million gallons of fluid...
...and produced 10,265 gallons of urine!!!

Now that's hard work!

•

Giving a Bad Name

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

On Retirement

Working people often ask retirees what they do to fill their days. The other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care.

I had come downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

On cleaning the cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. Never mind the noises coming from the toilet, cats like being clean.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times, providing a "power-wash" and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no obstructions between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

On Negotiating

In a hostage situation...


You heard me, I want 3!


Did he ask for 3?


Did you ask for 3?


3 is too much!


I'll give you one!

Like falling off a log

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher? "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "You have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy eyed him warily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"

Snorkeling in Buffalo

On Computers

At last, someone has figured out how to set up a computer for worthwhile endeavor!

On Health

The Antediluvians were all very sober
For they had no Wine, and they brewed no October,
All wicked, bad Livers, on Mischief still thinking,
For there can't be good Living where there is not good Drinking,

'Twas honest old Noah first planted the Vine,
And mended his Morals by drinking its Wine;
He justly the drinking of Water decried;
For he knew that all Mankind, by drinking it, died.

From this Piece of History plainly we find
That Water's good neither for Body or Mind;
That Virtue and Safety in Wine-bibbing's found
While all that drink Water deserve to be drowned.

So For Safety and Honesty put the Glass round.

- Benjamin Franklin

On Technology

Here is some good technical support.

On Screening

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

On Winning

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

Later, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place!"

On Sharing

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"



The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

On Spelling

By the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

On Doing it Right the First Time

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the scribes handcopy old canons and laws of the church.

He notices that all of the scribes are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The young monk questions the abbot on this practice, pointing out that if someone had made even a small error in the original copy, it would be carried through every copy ever made.

The abbot takes the young monks advice and goes down into the dark cave underneath the monastery to locate the original manuscript. Hours go by and nobody sees the abbot.

The young monk goes to look for the abbot and finds him banging his head against the wall and bemoaning, "We missed the R!, We missed the R!".

The young monk interrupts the abbot and inquires, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the abbot replies, "The word is.... Celebrate".

Tradition

It's tradition at PSU College of Medicine that first year medical students are taught male and female reproductive histology on Valentines Day.

Too funny!

On Consultants

A cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 3-page report on his miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a business consultant," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy." You showed up here even though nobody called you; you wanted paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

On Law Enforcement

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

On Communism

It sucks. Even after it's gone.

On Confidence

A fine little girl, she waits for me
Me sail de ship across the sea
Me sail de ship all alone
Me think Me never gonna git back home

- Jamaican Traditional

On Death

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. - Stephen Leacock

On Goals

"My objective is to submit myself to what I think and feel until I'm in a position to think and feel as I please."

- Marlon Brando

On Mathematics

Alchohol and calculus don't mix.

Never drink and derive.

On Useless Men

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. - John Adams

On Fashion

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

- Mark Twain

Who's your daddy?

Great recruiting story from Terry Bowden.

On Bipartisanship

There is a bumper sticker that is currently proving to be equally popular with both Democrats and Republicans. It displays the slogan "Run Hillary Run".

Democrats display it on the rear fender of their automobiles.

Republicans display it on the front fender.

On Football

You cannot win football games with a bunch of drunks. You need drug abusers.

Super Bowl Prediction

Colts over Bears

On the Mainstream Media

Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

- Thomas Jefferson