"Cover your mouth!"

This picture was taken in order to study sneezing's effects on aerosolizing microbials (a few decades ago) and presented in my recent pulmonology lecture. Highly specific and directional light sources were used to visualize how much crap was actually flying out of this guy!!!

GROSS!

On Hunting

Got toilet paper?

On the Steelers

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan is drinking in a Cleveland bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Pittsburgh baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Steelers fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Pittsburgh baby boy. He's gonna be a Pittsburgh Steelers football player ."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Pittsburgh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

how to beat Michigan: did the PSU coaching staff not watch the Appalachian State or Oregon games?

The blueprint for beating Michigan - running a spread offense and throwing the ball downfield - was obviously clear to everyone except the PSU coaching staff.

Oregon and a Division I-double A school hung 40 points a piece on the mighty Wolverines.

Naturally, PSU manages three field goals.

Pathetic.

i am sitting here watching the Penn State & Michigan game...

...and honestly, watching Penn State's offense is as exciting as watching paint dry.

Seriously.

This offense might be even more inept than the Orioles lineup.

On Meteorology

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULD NOT TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

Reporters Notebook (gburg times: 092207): "Bermudian"

I was talking football with my Uncle Jeff at a recent family picnic, particularly about a Penn State running back who is now in the pros.
“He’s got natural talent,” I recall Uncle Jeff saying. “One of the best athletes I’ve ever seen. He leaves it all on the field.”
My response was naturally clever.
“Kinda like me when I was in school,” I said.
Across the picnic table, Aunt Connie blew me kisses.
Beside me, Aunt Sharon rolled her eyes.
Coincidentally, she’s a Bermudian graduate.
(I love her anyway, though.)
~ Scot Andrew Pitzer

On Hell

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..., leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

- University of Washington chemistry student

today's Al Gore quote of the day

"I won't take all of the credit, but I did invent the Internet." - Al Gore, April 1999.

On Stupid Questions

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- Scott Adams

On Management

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.
- Casey Stengel

On Fear

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
- Ronald Reagan

On College Football

Through the first 2 games of the season, the Notre Dame defensive unit has scored more points (7) than the Notre Dame offensive unit (3).

Through the first 2 games of the season, the Penn State offensive unit has surrendered more points (7) than the Penn State defensive unit (3).

31-10 -- Typical Day in Happy Valley

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times: 090807): "Major Upset at Holiday Wiffleball Bash"

Hear about the weekend’s big upset?

No, not Appalachian State’s shocking defeat of Michigan.

I’m talking about the Aunts & Uncles squad’s stunning conquer of the Nieces & Nephews team during Monday afternoon’s Holiday Wiffleball Bash at Mentzer Stadium.

“Unbelievable,” Uncle Stan said during the post-game handshake, immediately following his team’s thrilling 11-10 come from behind win.

The game featured what wiffleball pundits would call “a little bit of everything” — controversy, close calls, a grand slam, baserunning blunders, defensive lapses, and frames where at least a half-dozen runs were scored. (And believe it or not, all of that happened in the top of the first!)

Desperate for their first win in three years, the Aunts & Uncles turned to veteran right-hander Uncle Jeff, while the Nieces & Nephews put their trust in the dependable arm of Jamie Lynn Pitzer, making her first start at Mentzer Stadium since last Labor Day.

Pitzer was a tad rusty, as Uncle Jeff took the first pitch thrown from her hand deep over the vehicle-lined left field fence for a homerun. Several batters later, my Dad crushed a grand slam, giving the Aunts & Uncles a seemingly insurmountable 6-0 lead.

But the Nieces & Nephews rallied.

Missing the services of longtime firstbaseman Meagan Sterner due to sickness, and utility infielder Shelley Sterner (who had just gotten her nails done), the Nieces & Nephews were led by the young likes of fifth-grader Kaila May, nine-year-old Stephen Mentzer, sixth-grader Marty May, and middle-schooler Ryan Mentzer. Kaila May’s double to deep centerfield in the middle innings knotted the score at six, bringing the capacity crowd of Grandma and several aunts to their feet.

With the Nieces & Nephews clinging to a 10-8 lead in the bottom of the last inning, the Aunts & Uncles — aided by a controversial play at the plate — scored three runs for a walkoff victory, capped by Uncle Stan’s single up the middle scoring Uncle Dan.

“That was my only hit in five at-bats,” Uncle Stan told the Gettysburg Times. “We just wanted it more.”

Uncle Jeff added: “We were the only ones in the whole stadium who actually thought we could win this game. We believed.”

Believe it: Aunts & Uncles win 11-10.

(Tickets are already on-sale for next year.)

~ Scot Andrew Pitzer

For the Ladies

1. It is important to find a man that has a job and helps you around the house.
2. It is important to find a man that makes you laugh
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man that loves you and spoils you.
5. It is most important that these 4 men do not know each other.

On Practical Jokes

"Hey! You guys ever seen this trick? When someone's sleeping you can take a glass of warm water and you put their hand in it, and then you pee on them."

- Eric Cartman

Gettysburg Times: "Canner comeback falls short"

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER
Times Staff Writer

Mount Carmel: 47
Biglerville: 20

Dreams of an upset bid were alive and well Friday night at Musselman Stadium, where the Biglerville Canner football team found itself within 14 points of the visiting Mount Carmel Red Tornadoes — the winningest program in Pennsylvania high school football history — midway through the fourth quarter.
But the Canners, determined to gain respect following five straight losing seasons, were unable to contain Mount Carmel senior tailback James Haynes, whose 252 all-purpose yards and four touchdowns led the Red Tornadoes to a 47-20 victory.
“We knew they had potential because they have some good athletes,” Mount Carmel head coach Mike Brennan said during his post-game press chat.
The final score was somewhat deceiving — with Mount Carmel’s third-string defense on the field during the game’s waning moments, freshman Nik Gratti scooped a bad snap by Biglerville, and returned the pigskin 69 yards for a Tornado touchdown as time expired.
Brennan touted the non-stop effort of the Biglerville offense, fueled by the strong arm of quarterback Kyle Whitmoyer. The senior was 13-35 for 221 yards and two touchdowns, also running 13 yards for a score in the second half.
“They threw some things at us that no other team we play is going to do, and that’s fine because it makes us work and keep playing hard,” Brennan said following his program’s 760th career victory . “That’s what you want in an opener, and overall, I thought we played well.”
Mount Carmel opened the evening’s scoring with just under six minutes to play in the first quarter, when Haynes ran for his first touchdown of the game, a seven-yard carry.
Haynes gave his Coal Region squad a 14-0 lead with 4:44 remaining in the first half, taking a hand-off from Tornado quarterback Marcus Wasilewski and sprinting 14 yards to the endzone.
The Red Tornadoes opened the scoring in the second half via a swift 59-yard touchdown run by Haynes, who tallied 167 yards rushing.
“Our guys really came off the ball and blocked, and I was able to read those blocks,” Haynes said.
Facing a seemingly insurmountable 21-0 lead, the Canners mounted a comeback. With 11:08 left to play in the third quarter, Whitmoyer capped a long Biglerville drive by finding pay-dirt on a 13-yard run. The extra point attempt was muffed, but Whitmoyer’s score woke the home crowd.
The black and gold faithful were hushed quickly, as Haynes returned the ensuring kickoff 85 yards for a touchdown, padding Mount Carmel’s lead which, after the extra point, stood at 28-6.
“That was huge,” Brennan said. “It’s been a while since we’ve had a player who can go 75 yards for a score, but this year we have that player in James.”
Biglerville refused to quit though.
Later in the third quarter, Whitmoyer combined with Mike Wagner on a 33-yard scoring pass, cutting the lead to 28-12. With the Canners needing a defensive stop, the Red Tornadoes turned to a different offensive weapon — ball carrier Julius Demetrius.
The result was much of the same.
Demetrius led the visitors to a fourth quarter score on a 17-yard run, padding Mount Carmel’s lead to 34-12.
Later that quarter, Canner receiver Parker Showers kept hopes of a Biglerville comeback alive when he caught a 4-yard pass from Whitmoyer. A two-point conversion brought the Canners to within 14 points, 34-20, but that was as close as the home team could cut the gap.
Mount Carmel put the game out of reach with under four minutes to play on a 14-yard run by senior running back Justin Pellowski.
Gratti’s long fumble return as time expired punctuated the scoring.
When the clock struck 00:00 in Canner County, the Red Tornadoes had tallied 246 total rushing yards, too much for the Canners to handle.
“I thought we took control and did a good job of keeping control, even though it got a little sloppy in the second half,” Brennan said.
Biglerville (0-1) seeks its first win Friday night in a home game against York Catholic. Republican & Herald sports writer Doyle Dietz contributed to this report.
Mount Carmel 7 7 14 19 — 47
Biglerville 0 0 12 8 — 20
First quarter
MC-James Haynes 7-run, 5:52 (Marcus Wasilewski kick good)
Second quarter
MC-Haynes, 14-run, 4:44 (Wasilewski kick good)
Third quarter
MC-Haynes, 59-run, 11:43 (Wasilewski kick good)
Big-Kyle Whitmoyer, 13-run, 11:08 (kick failed)
MC-Haynes, 85-kick-off return, 10:59 (Wasilewski kick good)
Big-Mike Wagner, 33-pass from Whitmoyer, 2:18 (pass failed)
Fourth Quarter
MC-Julius Demetrius, 17-run (kick failed)
Big-Parker Showers, 3-pass from Whitmoyer, 8:44 (Whitmoyer run)
MC-Justin Pellowski 13-run, 3:40 (Demko kick)
MC-Nik Gratti, 69 fumble return (no attempt)
TEAM STATISTICS
MC Big
First downs 16 14
Rushes-yards 45-246 23-127
Passes 9-17-1 13-35-0
Passing yards 123 222
Fumbles-lost 2-0 3-2
INDIVIDUAL STATISTICS
Rushing:
Mount Carmel – Haynes 14-167, DeMarco 11-35, DeMetrius 9-28, Pellowski 3-17, Hepler 3-10, Kisela 1-4, Stewart 1-0, Wasilewski 3-(-15).
Biglerville – Taughinbaugh 6-44, McMaster 6-33, Whitmoyer 7-24, Foster 3-23, Lieberum 1-3.
Passing:
Mount Carmel – Wasilewski 9-17-1—123
Biglerville – Whitmoyer 13-35-0—222
Receiving:
Mount Carmel – Moroz 4-53, DeMarco 2-22, Kovaleski 1-31, Menapace 1-10, McCracken 1-7.
Biglerville – Taughinbaugh 7-126, Wagner 3-63, Liberum 2-29, Showers 1-4.
INTERCEPTIONS:
Biglerville – Liebrum.

On Preemption

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief informs them that they will be cooked and eaten by the tribe, but each will be granted one last request.

The Englishman says, "I would like pen and paper so that I may write a letter of protest to Her Majesty's Government." The request is granted.

The Frenchman says, "I would like to make love to the most beautiful woman of your tribe." The request is granted.

The American says, "I would like you to gather all the men in the center of the village, and then I would like you to kick me in the seat of my pants in front of the entire group."

The chief grants the request, gathers all the men, leads the American to the center of the village and then kicks the American in the seat of his pants. Whereupon the American pulls out a submachine gun that he had hidden, and kills all the men of the cannibal tribe.

The Englishman and the Frenchman stop their activities and run to congratulate the American. "You have saved us! That's wonderful! But tell us, why didn't you use the submachine gun immediately?"

The American replied, "Until I was kicked in the seat of my pants, I did not feel I would be justified."

An interesting anonymous political blog

A future cynic's early work, I predict.

Gettysburg Times: Reporters Notebook (09/01/07)

If you missed this year’s Miss Teen USA pageant, you missed quite a show — particularly an answer given by one of the runners-up, Miss South Carolina.
The young lady, teenager Lauren Caitlin Upton, ran into a tough question during the finals of the competition.
A judge asked: “Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
Miss South Carolina’s response was classic.
“I personally believe, that U.S. Americans, are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there, in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as . . . . and, I believe that they should, our education over here, in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children."
A ringing endorsement for the South Carolina educational system.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

On "Free Advice"

I think it would be a good idea. - Mahatma Gandhi

"Pitzer named Voice of the Canners"

Biglerville Canner alum Scot Pitzer has been named the 'Voice of the Canners' for the 2007 High School Football season.

He will be voice of Canner football for all Musselman Stadium homegames.

Home games are scheduled for: Friday, Aug. 31; Friday, Sept. 7; Friday, Sept. 28, Friday, Oct. 3 and Friday, Oct. 26.

For more information on Canner sports, log onto www.cannernation.com.

Reporters Notebook (Gburg Times - 08/18/07) - "Hats"

I was startled Monday afternoon at the grand opening of the Biglerville Library when a woman approached me from behind.
“Take off your hat,” she ordered.
I turned around, and low and behold, right before Scot Pitzer’s eyes was my Arendtsville Elementary School principal — Mrs. Griffie.
We embraced.
"You still need to take off your hat,” she said.
I removed my Calloway Golf hat, even though my head of hair looked like it had just come out of a box.
“That’s better,” smiled Mrs. Griffie.
Thirteen years after she gave me my sixth grade diploma, the rules still haven’t changed.
Be on time.
Be respectful.
Be courteous.
Raise your hand.
Be a gentleman.
And, I was reminded Monday, don’t wear your hat indoors.
“You know better,” Mrs. Griffie said.
Yes, I do.
It won’t happen again.
— Scot Andrew Pitzer

on award winning reporters

On Poor Dumb SOBs

30-3 (continued)

"An ugly game at Camden Yards"

By Childs Walker and Jeff Zrebiec Sun Reporters
August 23, 2007

It was a loss of epic proportions.

On the day Dave Trembley was introduced as the Orioles' permanent manager, his team greeted him with the worst performances in franchise history yesterday, losing to the Texas Rangers, 30-3, in the first game of a doubleheader.

A little perspective: No major league team had scored as many as 30 runs in a game in 110 years.

It has happened nine times in baseball history, the last being when the Chicago Colts drubbed the Louisville Colonels, 36-7, on June 29, 1897, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.

"You need to have a real short memory," Trembley said in a brief post-game session with reporters, "and you let it go."

However, the Orioles' misery continued in the second game, when the Rangers pounded out 11 more hits to complete their doubleheader sweep with a 9-7 victory.

Camden Yards was about two-thirds empty when the first game started and pretty quiet even when the home team jumped out to a 3-0 lead by the bottom of the third inning.

But more and more fans arrived just as the game was slipping out of the Orioles' control.

Fans started to get restless and boo the home team during the Rangers' nine-run sixth inning. When the inning finally ended, the Orioles received a standing ovation.

The sarcastic applause continued when the Rangers scored 16 runs in the last two innings.

Fans behind the Orioles' dugout and on the flag court, where the final home run landed, were giving each other high fives.

Ranger Marlon Byrd, who hit a grand slam in the victory, said afterward, "You start to feel bad for the guys on their team."

Trembley, who nearly broke down with emotion earlier in the day at the news conference during which it was announced that his contract would be extended through the 2008 season, sat stoically in his dugout seat, staring straight ahead.

There was nothing he could do.

30-3 (continued...)

Tom Stevens of Millersville uses his binoculars to get a closer look at the final score. Texas became the first team in 110 years to score 30 runs, a new AL record. (Sun photo by Lloyd Fox / August 22, 2007)

30-3 (continued...)

Believe it or not, Baltimore had a 3-0 lead.

30-3: a columnist's view

"The Baltimore Sun: Roch Around the Clock"

Did that really happen?

All I can say is, thank goodness for that Matt Stover field goal last night, or it really could have been embarrassing.

30-3.

No matter how many times I write it or say it, the absurdity nearly overwhelms me.

30-3.

Who knew Daniel Cabrera would end up being the most effective pitcher?

And no, I don't believe the Rangers were piling on, though the on-side kick was a bit much.

30-3.

Brian Burres and Rob Bell are supposed to be the long men in the bullpen. I didn't know that meant making the games longer.

30-3.

No team had scored that many runs since 1900. And yes, I made a Julio Franco joke the minute it was announced.

30-3.

Manager Dave Trembley was misty eyed as he talked to reporters before Game 1 and recounted all the dues he paid in the minors - the long bus rides, the poor playing conditions, the altered lifestyle.

Then Game 1 began and he REALLY wanted to cry.

30-3.

Trembley walked into the interview room afterward and said, "If anyone has an intelligent question, ask it."

Boy, did he come to the wrong place!

The room fell silent. I was waiting for someone to say, "So...do you like...stuff?"

30-3.

I won't rip Trembley for leaving in his relievers too long. The guy had a second game to play. He needed someone to take one for the team so he wouldn't burn out the bullpen, but Burres and Bell didn't cooperate.

He had to wait. He had to hope someone would step up and restore a little order.

30-3.

This was no time to break out the Bradfords and Walkers. This was no time to mix-and-match. Erik Bedard wasn't pitching Game 2. We're talking Garrett Olson. There's no way Trembley could count on the rookie left-hander to give him seven or eight innings.

"We're talking about Garrett Olson. We're talking about Garrett Olson. Garrett Olson. Not Bedard, not Bedard, not Bedard. Garrett Olson."

Sorry, Allen Iverson just took over the blog for a few seconds. I'm back.

Whether it's 30-3 or 2-1, it still counts as one loss. A humiliating one, for sure, but one loss.

Nice save for Wes Littleton, by the way.

Next, he'll save a kid from drowning in a Wet Nap.