On Thingies

Q: Where does a general keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies

Q: How did Hitler tie his shoes?
A: In knotsies

On Party Platforms

Issue

A man and wife with two young children are walking down a deserted street. A terrorist with a knife comes around the corner, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges.

Democrat Party Platform Plank

Is the terrorist poor? Oppressed?

What have we done to him that would inspire him to attack?

Can the family run away?

What does the wife think?

What do the kids think?

What does the law say about this situation?

Is it possible the terrorist would be satisfied with killing just one of the family?

Does the terrorist definitely want to kill someone or just wound someone?

Should 911 be called?

Why is this street so deserted?

Raise taxes.

This is complex. We need to hold hearings to determine who is at fault.

Republican Party Platform Plank

BANG!

Redneck Party Platform Plank

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one !?"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!!"

On Ambition

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - Edgar Bergen

On Super Heros

Now if we can just find SuperMan...

On Poetry

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. - Robert Heinlein

On Beauty (Redux)

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? - Jean Kerr

On Evaluating Intelligence

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?

On Improvements

On Looking Quickly

Better look now. The Baltimore Orioles are 9-7 and stand in 2nd place in the American League East division.

John Kruk

"I'm not an athlete," says Philadelphia Phillies first-baseman John Kruk. "I'm a ballplayer."

"Busted"

GETTYSBURG TIMES

Investigators: Garcia thwarted drug raid

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER & JOHN MESSEDER

Times Staff Writers

A former Gettysburg police chief has been formally accused of providing an alert to suspected drug dealers immediately before a raid was to be executed last year at a Chambersburg Street apartment.

Rolf Garcia, 47, was charged Thursday morning with obstructing administration of law and hindering apprehension or prosecution.

He was Gettysburg’s police chief for three years before he mysteriously resigned last summer.

According to Findings of Fact reported by a state Investigative Grand Jury, Garcia — of 1975 Carrolls Tract Road, Orrtanna — was informed by the Adams County Drug Task Force that a raid was about to be performed in early February, 2006, at an apartment along the 200 block of Chambersburg Street.

Garcia allegedly told his 17-year-old son about the impending raid, and the young man, in turn, informed the persons who were about to be stormed. “My son denies it...I didn’t tell my son anything,” Garcia told WGAL-8 on Thursday. “I would never do anything to compromise my integrity or my flawless record.”

Charging documents filed at District Magistrate Thomas Carr’s office Thursday revealed that phone conversations — from Garcia to his son, and from his son to his cohorts — did occur during the night of the February 3, 2006, raid.

State Police Cpl. Kenneth Hassinger testified before the Grand Jury that he made a “courtesy” phone call to Garcia, at 9:22 p.m. on Feb. 3, to advise him of the forthcoming raid.

Garcia, the documents continue, then notified GPD detective Kevin Wilson.

When authorities approached the Chambersburg Street building shortly before 9:45 p.m., officers observed two males fleeing from the residence.

Dwelling resident Tony Hill informed authorities that he received a telephone call that night, allegedly from Garcia’s son, hinting that a drug bust might transpire, although he “did not know where.”

Hill told the Grand Jury that Garcia’s son purportedly received a call from his father regarding a search warrant, and that his son “relayed that information to others.”

Garcia testified he would have “never given the exact location of a search warrant to his son,” but he did admit that it was “possible that he told his son to stay away from a certain location.”

Charging documents stated Rolf Garcia “had no positive recollection of his conversation with his son that evening.”

Gettysburg Police Department policy states: “No personnel shall communicate any information to a person not a member of the Police Department regarding...any information of a confidential nature...”

“The allegations against the chief are troubling,” Adams County District Attorney Shawn Wagner told the Times, “because he could have endangered the lives of police officers.”

Borough officials, who signed a settlement package last summer with Garcia — which forbids all parties from publicly discussing his departure — have maintained a firm “no comment” stance throughout the duration of the mushrooming controversy.

The police saga ballooned in the spring of 2006 when GPD officer Sharon Gelwicks filed a state gender discrimination and harassment suit, against Garcia, with the state.

Thursday’s charges imposed upon Garcia, by the state’s Attorney General’s Office, are a new twist in an already convoluted ordeal.

Gettysburg Borough Council president Theodore H. Streeter, speaking for the municipality, declined to comment.

“We’ve been advised not to say anything,” Streeter told the Times.

Wagner pointed out what he termed a “direct correlation” between drug dealers and a potential for violence. He said his office was aware of the possibility of Garcia’s involvement within two days of the raid.

A check of records on cellular phones belonging to the primary people corroborate the accusation, prompting Wagner to refer the case to the state’s Attorney General, Tom Corbett.

“We were involved due to a conflict of interest,” Attorney General’s Office spokeswoman Lauren Bozak told the Times.

Why wasn’t the probing handled by a local agency?

“We work with Gettysburg Police Department on almost a daily basis,” Wagner said, adding that investigating a police chief with whom his office works could have had a “negative impact on relations” with other law enforcement staffs.

Garcia was not arrested Thursday.

“There were misdemeanors, so we scheduled a prelim and mailed (the notice) out to him,” said Melissa A. Maseneimer, a staffer at Carr’s court.T

he preliminary hearing is scheduled for May 24, at 10 a.m., in Carr’s court on Middle Street, Gettysburg.Each charge carries a potential sentence of two years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

Contact Scot Pitzer and John Messeder by e-mailing them at spitzer@gburgtimes.com or johm@gburgtimes.com.

practice makes perfect

"I told the team it was an optional practice," Tigers manager Sparky Anderson said. "If they didn't show, they were getting optioned."

Nick the Stick

You can't take us with Markakis!

On Higher Education

Fathers send their sons to college either because they went to college or because they didn't. - LL Henderson

On Education

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. - Bob Edwards

Cowboy Up

Kevin Millar: #15, Baltimore Orioles

On speech

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care. - William Safire

On Patience

Take your time, I'll wait.

the Shawshank Redemption (1994)

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

On Luck

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. - Thomas Jefferson

the Oriole bird

Orioles magic. Feel it happen.

On Problem Solving

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning,same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

this is what a baseball uniform is supposed to look like

April 12, 2007: Kansas City Royals at Baltimore

Royal batter steps into the batters box.

Uncle Stan: "Scot, take a picture of him."

Scot: "Why?"

Uncle Stan: "Because that's what a baseball uniform is supposed to look like."

Scot: "What do you mean?"

Uncle Stan: "Nephew of mine, look at those high socks. That's how you're supposed to wear 'em."

driving directions: everyone try this

Log onto Google.
Click on "maps," and then "get directions."
New York, New York to Paris, France.
Scroll down to #23.
Isn't that whack?!?

Camden Yards

The seats are cushioned...and they have cupholders.

On Career Counseling

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while admiring the magazines' centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman."

On Community Service

A Republican goes to the barbershop for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber says: "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a thank you card and a book entitled "How to Improve Your Business".

That day, a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a dozen Democrats lined up for a free haircut.

On the Sea

An octopus has eight testicles.
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
Men often take to the sea with pots and come back with crabs.

On Canadian Vocabulary

Main Entry: ¹hal-la-day
Pronunciation: 'how-l&-"dA, Britain usually 'hä-l&-dE
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hAligdæg, from hAlig holy + dæg day
1 : HOLY DAY
2 : a day on which one is exempt from work; specifically : a day marked by a general suspension of work in commemoration of an event
3 chiefly British : VACATION -- often used in the phrase on holiday (sic); often used in plural
4 : a period of exemption or relief
5 :chiefly Canadian : every fifth day from April through September

Usage: The Blue Jays bullpen celebrated the Halladay by watching a ballgame.

On B*&%#@!

My 25 yr. old nephew says he knows Mike Flanagan (O's EVP, Baseball Operations, '79 Cy Young Award, etc...). Claims he met him in a restaurant and then Mike Flanagan bought him lunch. My nephew took me to the ballgame last night. Section 38 is behind home plate, Row CC is 8 rows deep and Seat 4 is behind the right handed batters box.