A Joke

There are always two hundred thirty nine beans in a bowl of chilli.

Because one more would make it too farty.

Vote Early, Vote Often

Voting is under way for the Major League Baseball All Star game. You can vote online at www.mlb.com or www.orioles.com .

Vote for:

Brian Roberts, 2nd base, American League

Roberts leads all AL 2nd basemen in Batting Average, Stolen Bases, Walks, Total Bases, Runs Batted In, Home Runs, Triples, Hits and Runs Scored and has a .977 Fielding Percentage.

Miguel Tejada, shortstop, American League

Tejada leads all AL SS in Total Bases, Runs Batted In, Home Runs, Doubles and Hits and has a .968 Fielding Percentage

Melvin Mora, 3rd Base, American League

Mora leads all AL 3rd basemen in Stolen Bases, Doubles and Hits. He is 2nd among 3rd basemen in Batting Average, Home Runs and Runs Batted In. He has a .967 Fielding Percentage (4th best among starting 3rd basemen).

Vote for these 3 players. Do it. Do it now. Do it every time you go online.

Writing

So here's the deal. I plan on ranting and raving about my writing class. I had to write a paper where I analyse two texts that were written by the same author. These texts have the same theme of lonliness throughout America. Anyhow the texts are from two different genres. One is an essay, and the other was a short story. In my paper, I analysed the effectiveness of the genres in conveying their theme to the audience (me).

Basically my essay said that the essay was full of bullshit and that the author just tried to make herself sound more intellegent than she was. Also I said taht the short story got the theme off very effectively by keeping the reader (again me) interested. Now I said all of this in a much nicer way. I analysed the differences between the two. I also went to the Learning Resource Center and met with a writing tutor about my paper. When I left that, I revised my paper mechanics, the grammar, and all that other good stuff. I turned in what I thought to be an A paper, B+ at worst.

Anyhow, I know the tutur who helped me with the paper, so when I got the paper back, I went to show her how I did. (The tutor is Jimmy my best friends gf). Anyhow I got a C on the paper, which is the same grade I've gotten on EVERY PAPER for the ENTIRE CLASS. As Jenny and I went over the paper and read the teachers comments, we realized that the teacher wasn't taking poings off for my mechanics, or my organization, or my grammar, but for my ideas. Basicall I lost credit on the paper because I felt that the essay was written just to sound smart. I stated in my paper that the essay tends to lose the reader because it doesn't flow well. I also stated that the essay didn't flow well because it was written to "sound smart". The teacher responded with "The only reason a reader would get lost in this essay is if they lacked the critical thinking skill necessary to follow it."

Well in general I think I got a bullshit grade. Also, I have to re-submit the paper, and in order to get the grade I need, i'm going to have to put in HER ideas. I don't want to do it, but I don't think I have any other choice. I am VERY angry about all of this.

P.S. I have a new girlfriend for those of you who are behind on my love life. Her name is Marcie.

self explanatory

Bad Timing

I'm in Louisville, Ky today and tomorrow but I won't be here next weekend.

Quote

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-- John Benfield

Woof

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

The Cowboy and The Yuppie

=========================

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly

a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban

sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the

cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have

in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at

his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why

not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,

connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to

get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another

NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution

photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop

and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,

Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot

that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected

Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads

all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few

minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-

tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the

cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"

says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the

animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the

trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you

exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct,"

says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up

here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an

answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you

don't know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my DOG."

I thought this was cool!

Okay, so did you ever wonder how the heck plants knew they needed to grow taller? Seriously, haven't you ever wondered why some plants grow until they hit sunlight and then bearly grow at all until they are overshadowed by another plant... at which time the shoot up until they are the tallest again? Trees in particular do this.

Well, it all has to do with a molecule called a cytochrome. This molecule is "C" shaped. But when its bombarded with photons (light energy in packet form) the center bond of the molecule absorbs the energy and twists so that the molecule is "S" shaped. When the molecule is "S" shaped the metabolism of the plant shifts from growing to storing, so it starts storing up sugars. But when the plant is overshadowed by another plant, there isn't enough energy to keep the molecule in the "S" shape, so it returns to the "C" shape, which then binds to certain proteins, setting off a cascade of changes and the plant starts growing taller again!

Exciting? I KNOW!

The Boss means business!

Buddy Groom to the rescue!

Nerd Research Contest

The history of the software industry is filled with acronyms. One popular acronym component is "Yet Another". YACC is a Unix acronym for "Yet Another Compiler-Compiler". YAHOO is a world wide web acronym for "Yet Another Hierarchically Officious Oracle".

I've given the two easy ones. Can you find anymore?

Saw Update

A penny saved is a penny to squander.

A man is known by the company that he organizes.

A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

Better late than before anybody has invited you.

Example is better than following it.

Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

Least said is soonest disavowed.

He laughs best who laughs least.

Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.

Of two evils choose to be the least.

Strike while your employer has a big contract.

Where there's a will there's a won't.

Some humor for the day

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are ! squealing and coming toward him fster and faster.

Concern, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French.

I am now, officially, an award winning journalist

Some good news for you folks,

Two Fridays ago, I was named the "Gettysburg Times Employee of the Quarter."

Not sure what I did to earn the recognition. Guess I'll find out.

the perks: Get my own parking spot for three months, a golfing jacket, a bonus, a trophy, a plaque, and an inivation to the Board of Directors Dinner in May.

why it's ironic: I interviewed for a job at WHP in harrisburg a week before this happened.

~ SCOT ~

I Am Diggin This City Life!

I got my own cable, and watch every single Oriole game in 2005!

Sure beats the times when I could only watch games on WJZ.

my "Opening Day" experience

greetings Free Advice gang,

as you all know, i was scheduled to join local media from the Pa. midstate and Md. area for Opening Day 2005 at Camden Yards.

however, the day got off to a bad start when i was called at 8:30 a.m. and told our credentials hadn't come in the mail. after a few calls, we learned (THE DAY OF THE FREAKIN GAME) that credentials aren't given to "small papers", and that "small papers" have to apply for credentials on a game-by-game basis.

As a result, we didn't go.

Amazing that on the four forms we had to fill out (beginning as early as January) to get credentials, not one of them said "small papers" had to apply for credentials on a game-by-game basis.

I do not have high regards for the Oriole front office at this point (considering that we talked to TEN different that morning, none of whom relayed the message of what we were calling about onto each other).

Oh well.

Later crew,

Pitz

O's update

Given the O's series with the Yanks this past weekend, it appears that Ray does have it figured out for 12 and even 7. Apparently, he's still scratching his head about 5.

O's Bomb Bronxers

Tis true. The O's came up big in their 1st matchup of the season with the Yankees, knocking the Yankees into a tie for last place in the AL East.

O's win one

and are on the same pace as last year getting a win by the starter in the first game of the season. The 2nd win came on 4/16 last year, so let's see if they can get to 2 faster this year.

Go O's

vibronically

Yeah... its a real word. Although Webster's may not agree.

Who is the first baseball player suspended for Steroids?

Your answer right here. This may be a good trivia question in a few years.

Play Ball!

Hey!

Your shoe is untied.

Auld Lang Syne

A hearty handshake from an old friend.

Whatever happened....

to Rich Ankiel.

Well, he's still with the Cardinals and yesterday, he threw a strike.

Coming Attraction!

Free Advice contributor Ken (pictured above) is publishing a new blog - Pitchfork Diary - which chronicles his adventures at the track.

One Good Deed......

Deserves Another

How many wins will the O's Starters get?

With the O's starting staff just about finalized and Ponson dropping to the number 4 spot, how many wins will the O's starters get? I believe they had 52 last year, will they improve by the 20 games that Ray Miller is talking about. Let's hope so.

My guess is 61.

Security Update

This won't make you fee secure, but it will make you laugh.