On how to play Mafia

Looks good for the next family get together


http://www.wikihow.com/Play-Mafia

On Food Preparation

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

On Life Lessons

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

On Meeting Needs

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

On Piling On

Restaurant patron: "The food in this restaurant is terrible!"
Companion: "Yes, and such small portions!"

On Seizing Opportunity

I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

So, I asked him, "You got any shoes you're not using?"

- Stephen Wright

On Magic

Check out the Magic Gopher

amazingly, O's snatch defeat from the jaws of victory: lose to Bosox, 6-5

The losing mentality is prevalent in Baltimore.

How else do you squander a 5-0 lead with one out in the top of the ninth?

(1). Why is it that this team cannot execute routine, fundamental defensive plays?

The ninth inning pop-up needs to be caught. Period.

And the ground ball hit to Millar needs to be converted into an out. Get your ass over to the bag, Chris Ray.

Teams from the Little League to Major League level are able to execute those plays. The Orioles are not.

(2). Ray and Baez should be demoted. Immediately. And fined. One out and a five run lead in the top of the ninth, and these bums come in, give up rockets and walk batters.

On Give and Take

On Seizing Opportunity

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

Boy - "Dark in here"
Lover - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Lover -"That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Lover - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Lover - "OK, how much?"
Boy -"$250."

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Lover - "Yes, It is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Lover - "How much?"
Boy -"$750."
Lover -"Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says," I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks," How much did you sell them for?" Boy-"$1,000." The father says," That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Priest - " Don't start that again, you're in my closet now!"

On "Free Advice" Blog

On Time

Ryan: "Stephen, will your ball game be over in 2 hours?"
Stephen: "Nope, it will be over in 6 innings."

today's John Kerry-ism

"My hair can be used as a flotation device" - presidential hopeful John Kerry, October 2004

Maybe this is the problem with the O's

On Fiscal Responsibility

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

today's George W. Bush-ism #3

Jan 10, 2005 at the White House:

"Who could have possibly envisioned an erection in Iraq at this time in our history?"

today's Dick Cheney-ism

"Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better." –June 4, 2003

today's George W. Bushism, #2

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

today's George W. Bushism

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Hall of Famer

Cal Ripken, Jr.

On Alternatives

This past week, the Baltimore Orioles placed starting pitcher Adam Loewen on the DL with a hairline fracture of the throwing arm, reporting that the fracture has been there all season.

Loewen is 2-0 with a 3.56 ERA.

Perhaps, instead of putting Loewen on the DL, O's management should break the arms of the rest of the pitching staff.

Gettysburg Times column: "O's woes continue"

May 4, 2007

BY SCOT ANDREW PITZER
Times Staff Writer

Not even one-fourth of the way into the 2007 edition of the Major League baseball season, the Baltimore Orioles have already sunk to new lows.
The optimism that greets each Opening Day first pitch has quickly cooled in Bird Land, where 10 straight losing seasons appears inevitable.
Sure, on paper, Baltimore is only a handful of games under the .500 mark.
But this team, both offensively and defensively, is so pathetically anemic that losses — as they have been for years — are now expected.
Victories are mere blips along the 162-game radar screen.
Day in, day out, this club routinely snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.
Why?
Quite frankly, this team is unfundamentally sound (or fundamentally unsound, however you want to look at it): pathetic offense, Little League defense, hurlers who can't throw strikes, and starting pitchers who never seem to find the sixth inning.
But fortunately, the season is not lost...yet.
The point of no return, however, is quickly approaching.
Here are four simple procedures that Warehouse officials can undertake — now — to right the feathery fists of futility.
(1). Tell the starters that they are out on the mound until they get at least one out in the seventh inning. If that means a 10-run deficit, oh well. If it means 150 pitches, oh well. If they come out before either, no paycheck for that start.
In the month of April, not one Oriole starter logged an out in the eighth inning. At this rate, the bullpen — which $40 million was poured into over the offseason — will fatigue by Memorial Day.
(2). Tell the hitters that anyone who swings at a first pitch is fined a game-day paycheck.
Baltimore batters, for some reason, aren't patient this season. The result? Opposing starters cruise into the late innings, mowing down Orioles batsmen in rapid fashion.
(3). Tell all the pitchers — starters and relievers — that for each walk, they owe 50 pushups, and are fined $2,500.
Last month, Oriole pitching led the Major Leagues in walks issued. And 95 percent of the time, those walks scored.
(4). Tell the hitters that runners-in-scoring position not cashed in will result in $6,000 for each runner. A grounded-into-double-play will set a hitter back $3,000.
During a game this week at Detroit, the Orioles were 1-16 with runners in scoring position.
I'm not kidding.
You almost have to try to be that bad.
Why the fines? Hit these professional athletes in the wallet where it stings, and perhaps — just maybe — they'll come around.
Evidently, hitting them in their pride does nothing.
This team must stop looking for new ways to fail, and start playing baseball like they care.
Nine years, and 30 games, of ineptitude is enough.
Scot Pitzer is a Times news reporter.

On Strings

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

On Education

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar

On Fame

We keep gettin' richer
But we can't get our picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show

are you ready for the Apple Blossom Festival?

May 5-6 @ the South Mountain Fairgrounds

On Order

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. - Doctor Who

More Thingies

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it! We're closed.

On Aging (Redux II)

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

On Leadership

The Orioles and Tigers resumed a plunking tiff last night in Detroit that started in Baltimore 3 weeks ago during the first series between the two clubs. The Tigers plunk Tejada and the Orioles retaliate by plunking Sheffield. This is generally considered an honorable pursuit amongst baseball teams striving for an edge over a worthy foe.

Last night was different, though, and arguably illustrates why the Orioles may be only flirting with the status of "worthy foe" and why the Tigers may be flattering them by treating them as such.

First of all, Tejada offered at the Bonderman pitch that started last nights episode. He put it in play. He followed this by not running to first and then posturing and jawing at the Tigers pitcher. While Tejada may believe his tantrum was brought on because Bonderman threw at him, the reality is that the tantrum was brought on because Bonderman retired him.

When the Orioles retaliated by hitting Sheffield in the middle of the back, Sheffield dropped his bat lightly and trotted to 1st base. No stare, no jawing, no posturing. Just take your base.

Tejada is clearly the Orioles best player. Tejada is widely regarded (amongst the talking heads) as the O's on field leader. The O's will not be a winning team until they get winning on field leadership. You can't throw a tantrum because you made an out. You can't hit the opposing teams' big hitter because your big hitter made an out. Your focus must be on winning, not on protecting your man.

Sometimes, your man just has to be a man.