On Presidential hopefuls

I find this candidate believable.

Broad Street Bullies...

are being bullied. It used to be, back in the day, that the Philadelphia Flyers would just pound a team into submission, but this year, they are not only an awful hockey team as far as talent goes, but they also can't win any fights. And the fights they do get in, they lose so badley that the player goes on the DL. The team needs to get better players or at the very least get better fighters.

EWWW! GROSS!

Did you know there are more free living bacteria cells on your skin, in your nose and mouth, and in your colon than their are cells in your entire body??? I know, it's pretty freakin' gross. There are about a trillion bacteria in your mouth alone, and thats the estimate of someone with decent dental hygiene!!! The circular bacteria shown are cocci, the elongated bacteria are bacilli, and the cork screw bacteria are called spirilla. The cocci S.O.B.s are what cause streph throat and staph infections!!!

On Success...

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? - Kin Hubbard

Losing....

to the O's will drive a man to drink. The St. Louis Cardinals lost to the O's yesterday in a spring training game and this morning, Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa was pulled over for DUI.

On Tax Revenue Distribution Reform

Many employees are required to pass a urine test as a term of employment. These employees pay taxes. The government distributes the tax revenue as it deems fit.

Is it reasonable to require one to pass a urine test to receive this money?

On covetous desires

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. - Quentin Crisp

On Nostalgia

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. - Evan Davis

On the Mysteries of Life

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

On Swimming

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Apparently....

I'm not alone in my disapproval of the Democrats.

On Environmentalism

Pen and Teller having some fun with the Environmental movement.

Just a few years ago, "The Man Show" pulled this same gag, soliciting signatures for a petition demanding an end to "Womens' Suffrage". That petition also garnered quite a few signatures.

A few reasons the democrats piss me off

On Technology

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. - Mitch Hedberg

On Making the best of it

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, who was a local farmer and had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could".

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it tt-to y-y-you??"

On Quantum Weirdness

Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment devised by Erwin Shrodinger as a result of debates with Albert Einstein over the Copenhagen interpretation, which Schrodinger defended and Einstein rejected. This interpretation basically states that if a cat could be isolated (i.e. placed in a box) from external interference, the state of the cat (dead or alive) can only be known as a combination of possible rest states, because determining the actual state of the cat cannot be done without the observer interfering with the experiment (i.e. entangling the cat with the observer).


The state of this cat is "Free".

Last Gasp of Winter?

On Value

I'm posting this blog entry from the Eastern Illinois Regional Airport in Bloomington-Normal, Illinois.

WiFi Internet access is free.

Coffee costs $1.

Good news for O's fans

The O's have signed Brian Roberts through 2009 adding one more of the key players on the O's roster to be on board thru 2009. Roberts (in addition to several of last seasons' "key signings") repeated the mantra that he's where he wants to be; he wants to be in Baltimore when they bring a winner home to a great baseball town.

I hope he means it. I hope they all mean it. But really, I just hope they make it happen.

On Early Politics

How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp?

One, and that person shall be President Andrew Jackson, hero of the Battle of New Orleans and Friend to the Common Man!

On Divorce

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat on the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Spring has Sprung

Some nice photos from Spring Training in Ft. Lauderdale.

Riddle

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

On Politics

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

On Happiness

On Marriage

How can you tell if two people are married?

You may have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Spring Omen?

I met a Phillies fan last night at a local watering hole who was sky high on the Phillies prospects this year because of the "6 great starting pitchers" in spring camp. He advised that he was hoping the Phillies would deal for either Curt Schilling or Randy Johnson to be the Phillies closer.

After telling him I was an Orioles fan, he told me he was sorry for me. He declared the Orioles were looking at another losing season because they had "let Sosa go".

On Hunting

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

On Friendship

On Retirement (Part two)

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."